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For those of you held captive by Sunday evening's Oscars telecast—either by having some financial stake in the proceedings or by simply feeling the inexplicable call to duty to weather every snore-inducing montage ("Here's one for America! Here's one for not-America! Here's one for NAFTA!") the ceremony had to offer—the commercials offered some creative respite. Sure, a 30-second close-up of a Marie Callender chicken pot pie wasn't going to salvage your evening, but you never knew when Wes Anderson might stroll along to confound your expectations of what an AmEx commercial could be, or one of those iPhone "Hello" ads might pop-up, which, while not necessarily groundbreaking, at least remained refreshingly Justin Long-free. According to AdWeek, not just any company willing to shell out the record prices of $1.7 mil per 30-second spot are allowed to advertise on the Oscars; the Academy has some strict guidelines about what is considered appropriate material to immediately precede Ellen DeGeneres's "vacuuming and tossing of a joint into the orchestra" bit:

The academy won't publicly discuss which categories aren't allowed, but sources said they include deodorants, feminine hygiene products, anti-depressants, erectile dysfunction pills, laxatives or anything else it deems distasteful. As AMPAS executive administrator Ric Robertson joked by way of explanation, "The academy doesn't recognize aging." He would not specify which product categories were off-limits, but did acknowledge that the academy strives "to maintain a level of elegance and class to the event."

Most important is the academy's strictly enforced policy against ads that feature any Oscar nominee or presenter during the broadcast, said Robertson. "That's one of our most important issues," he explained. "In the same vein, neither can a studio run an ad of an upcoming release. We don't want there to be the slightest hint of any conflict there."

That second-to-last rule of course eliminated Abigail Breslin's HP photo printer ad from the running, instantly dashing the company's high hopes that their 10-year-old spokesperson could help guide Americans confused by a crowded home printer market towards their product through the basic thought formula: "That's the girl from that movie! I loved that movie! And I love printing photos! HP is the brand for me!"