This image was lost some time after publication.

Sweet mother of God, the DNA test results of Anna Nicole-spawn Dannielynn will finally be announced tomorrow, bringing our long, collective nightmare to what will undoubtedly be an anticlimactic conclusion. There's practically no one left who believes that someone other than Larry Birkhead could be the daddy. Even that poor sap Howard K. Stern has all but conceded defeat. (Though Prince von Anhalt could be a dark horse! Wouldn't that throw everything into disarray?) Of course, this is just where things start to get fun—and expensive—for the celebrity magazines and the tabloid TV shows.

Stern, you'll recall, got some very, very favorable treatment from Entertainment Tonight—including those bizarre-o segments on Anna Nicole's funeral—which is to be expected, given the $1 million deal he struck with the show. So naturally, when Birkhead went looking for somewhere to sell his story, it wasn't to ET. All along, Access Hollywood has been on Team Birkhead, so it's likely they ponied up the required seven figures for Birkhead's TV rights.

But the current question on everyone's lips in celeb-tabloid-land is who will land the deal for Birkhead's print rights. (If we take for granted, of course, that he's the dad.) Insiders say he's asking upwards of $2 million for exclusive print rights, which would include an interview and, presumably, a photo shoot with his daughter. One possibility could be Birkhead's former employer, Star , which could use the bump in sales that a Birkhead exclusive would undoubtedly give them. People could also throw its weight around here and come up with a high-priced bid (perhaps in conjunction with a non-U.S. property like U.K.'s Hello!, as they've done with Angelina Jolie photos). And of course, Us Weekly—still smarting from losing the Angelina pics to People—could decide to make Birkhead their cause celebre.

Whoever wins the bidding war, the true winner will be Birkhead. As one person in the field puts it, "When you combine the TV and print deals, Birkhead will gross an easy $5 million."

Both the print and TV deals will undoubtedly continue to perpetuate the story line that Birkhead has been writing all along—that of the good Southern boy, the wronged baby daddy who just wanted to be with his little girl. Birkhead has set himself up in conscious opposition to Howard K. Stern, who's been painted (not necessarily wrongly!) as a money-hungry predator, while Birkhead has perpetuated an image of an almost bumbling, lovesick fool. But according to celebrity watchers, that image is a carefully cultivated one.

Let's not forget that Birkhead is a paparazzo—excuse me, "celebrity photographer"—who knows quite well how the game is played. As one in the celeb tabloid business put it, "Birkhead might look like the 'yes-ma'am'-in' Southern boy who 'really loved' Anna, but, let's face it, he knows this business just as well—if not a whole lot better—than the rest of the Anna Nicole dramatis personae. He knows what he's doing." And presumably, that means he'll be laughing all the way to the bank. Maybe he'll even make a pit stop at the plastic surgeon's.