Fragments from 'Dan! The Musical'
From time to time the news cycle offers up an event of such import and complexity that it can only be comprehended through the medium of musical theater. This week resident composer Ben Greenman examines the Dan Rather/Katie Couric contretemps.
[DAN RATHER is sitting at home in his rocking chair, musing. His hunting dog is at his side. A cup of Postum is in his hand. In the background, music plays softly on his Victrola.]
DAN
There is something in the air,
There is a feeling of unrest.
It's like when a stranger rides into town
In a movie about the Wild West.
What is it that's nagging at me
And dragging at my poor old heart?
What is it that's making me feel
Like my world is coming apart?
Oh.
I know.
[The Victrola suddenly grows louder. To the accompaniment of Vess L. Ossman's "Hot Stuff Patrol," a ragtime hit from 1897, DAN springs from his chair and begins to dance and sing.]
DAN
The news, my dear news
It now gives me the blues
What was so rough and tough
Is celebrity fluff
Remember the days
Of the long, level gaze
And the sober report?
They have been cut short
And what's now in their place
Is the tarted-up face
Of a new kind of anchor
By gum, I should spank her.
They took what I loved and dumbed it down
I remember a day when this televised town
Was a city shining from the top of a hill
I wish it was shining that way still
The job once meant truth and respect and adventures
Now it's all toothless—or at the very least dentures
[DAN sits back in his rocking chair, winded. KATIE COURIC enters. She is wearing a tight t-shirt with no bra, shorts, and high heels.]
KATIE:
Dan, please: the foul breeze
That streams from your lips
Will cause me to pause
And put my hands on my hips
I can bring home the bacon
Fry it up in a pan
But I never have taken
A cheap shot at you, Dan
[Dan tries to stand but fails. He snaps his fingers and his dog trots
off and returns with a cane in his mouth. Dan takes the cane and
stands.]
DAN
I didn't say you weren't smart
I didn't call you a tart
My comments were directed
At the trend that has connected
Celebrity flash to improving ratings
How I loathe these cosmetic updatings
[KATIE tries to reason with DAN.]
KATIE
What is your issue?
Why are you scared?
It's been more than two years
Since your last newscast aired
A female anchor
Is long overdue
I'm hardly a fembot
My mom is a Jew
[DAN seems distracted by her bralessness, or possibly by his Victrola. He raises his voice until he is shouting.]
DAN
There's a war on
There's a war on
Who cares if Paris
Has her drawers on?
[KATIE takes out her iPhone and places a call to CBS head Les Moonves.]
KATIE
Get me Les—
Les, it's Katie
This old wreck's
Nearly eighty.
You should hear
How he wheezes
And he might
Have diseases.
DAN
Nearly eighty?
Come here, young lady
And I'll show you
A thing or two
KATIE
Les, I swear
Say a prayer
For this spent
Piece of leather.
When I'm done
With my fun
He'll be doing
The weather.
DAN
I was going to
Give you a pass
But this just in:
I'll kick your ass.
Where you're going
Isn't heaven.
So dress for heat.
Film at eleven.
[KATIE attacks DAN with a broom, a high-heeled shoe, and a pack of
Virginia Slims. DAN counters by pouring the Postum on his dog, which
seems like a stupid move, but the dog, not scalded but annoyed — the Postum was only warm—nips at KATIE, who topples backwards on her high heels.]
DAN
You can beat me
And assail me
But you know who
Will prevail? Me!
[KATIE hits DAN with her iPhone and knocks him unconscious. The camera pans back to show that the entire fight has been filmed and is, in fact, being reshown on an evening news report hosted by WALTER CRONKITE.]
WALTER
A clash of generations
Is a painful thing to witness
As are altercations
Between the wilted and the witless.
Change can't be stopped
So why even bother?
The news of my day
Dismayed my father.
And now we have cable
And the Internet, too
It'll change again next year
And then what will we do?
Has journalism endured
Or has it become showbiz?
You decide—watch or don't watch.
And that's the way it is.
[WALTER signs off. After the news, the network shows a special preview of "Pirate Master."]
Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.
