Because keeping up with every story relating to Lindsay Lohan's DUI Relapse Extravanganza is as difficult as having to fish out a baggie of blow from the front pocket of a snug pair of skinny jeans while street racing a Denali, we summarize the latest developments in conveniently abridged, round-up fashion:
· "I have seen the best actresses of my generation destroyed by madness-starving, hysterical, drunk, driving through Beverly Hills at dawn looking for a place to crash." For more Ginsbergian musings on the sorry state of Hollywood starletdom, hear the rest of "HOWL (For Lindsay Lohan)" above. [spoutblog]
· People.com refuses to weigh in definitively on what this might mean for future job prospects, including upcoming tango movie Dare to Love Me, which was all set to take advantage of the upper-body strength the actress had developed swinging off stripper poles in the similarly first-person titled, I Know Who Killed Me. [People]
· An exclusive with Lindsay's grandmother (on her father's side—lay Freudian blame accordingly) reveals the Long Island-based Marilyn Lohan to be "very upset about the whole thing." [24/Sizzler]

· Marilyn's ne'er-do-well son, meanwhile, father Michael, says that for the good of his little girl lost, "Dina and I now need to put our legal battle aside," presumably to work full-time on undoing the permanent damage they've done not raising their daughter. [ETOnline]
· Lohan attorney Blair Berk released this statement: "Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease. Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care." Rumors have it that care involves entombing the actress in a coffin-sized, "super" SCRAM device from which she'd be released on her 28th birthday. [Star Magazine]
· Happier times: Hours before her arrest, Lindsay is driven to hysterics by the wet-nosed investigations of either an eight-year-old fan, or Polaroid Beach House day-guest Andy Milonakis. [BWE]
· Everything old is new again! Especially when it's a video edited to make it seem as if Lohan is singing along to a popular radio hit about going to rehab. [iklipz.com]