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It's been months since the modest trickle of swag into Defamer HQ has yielded an item useful or interesting enough to survive longer than thirty seconds before finding its way into the trash can (seemingly each week, the UPS guy gets to hear our anguished cry of, "Fucking hell, another Mad TV screener? Is that show even still on?" before taking two steps backs towards the safety of his brown truck), but just moments ago, Fox delivered a winner to promote the 20th season of everyone's favorite shirtless-rednecks-denying-domestic-battery-accusations series: a keychain alcohol tester which, in the words of the enclosed note from the show's executive producer, "might prevent your being included in a COPS cameo." Finally, someone really gets us!

Unfortunately, thumbing through the device's badly translated instruction booklet has made us somewhat skeptical about its effectiveness for avoiding an unwanted appearance on the show (sample: "Precaution: When after drinking, it is recommended to last after 20 minutes, it is because 20 minutes is approximately for alcohol to be absorbed into blood from the digestive organs, and residual alcohol remaining in the mouth takes this long to dissipate," as well as an expected disclaimer freeing the manufacturer from legal liability); still, at the very least, the trinket should provide hours of enjoyment when we use it to measure our diminishing sobriety for any posts written after our customary late-afternoon chug from the Jim Beam bottle.

[Breathalyzer reading for this item: Yellow, but we neglected after drinking to last after 20 minutes.]