After pummeling our readers with the endlessly depressing discussion of the ongoing, precipitous decline phase of a once-meteoric show business career, we suppose that it's time to offer them the uplifting stories of those whose dreams of one day having thousands of flashbulbs directed at their accidentally exposed genitalia are still very much alive.

On Saturday morning, we dispatched Defamer videographer Molly McAleer to the Gold's Gym in Venice, where NBC was holding an open audition for their new version American Gladiators, hoping that the (mostly) well-muscled local talent pool would yield a faster, stronger, more gloriously coiffed generation of Malibus, Skyes, and yes, even Nitros—who, despite the unkind appraisals of the gladiatorial up-and-comers we surveyed, was a character so appealing he could charm the pants off even Ellen DeGeneres.