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Rumors have been swirling lately that the Church of Scientology is in the process of mounting a full-on assault on decades of accumulated honky-thetans by aggressively courting African-American celebrities and celebrity couples on the down-low. An attempt at confirmation by the NY Daily News, however, has resulted in a number of statements from personalities of color denying that they may have slipped into the Church's seductive clutches:

You don't have to be Jewish to be a friend of Steven Spielberg. You don't have to be a Muslim to be a friend of Muhammad Ali. And you don't have to be a Scientologist to be a friend of Tom Cruise," Smith tells us.

"I am a Christian. I am a student of all religions. And I respect all people and all paths."

Despite reports she distributed the Scientology book "The Way to Happiness" to N.Y. school kids, Simmons' reps also denied her involvement.

Statements on being a non-partisan student of world theology notwithstanding, there's no doubt that Smith, in becoming a close friend to Tom Cruise, has been exposed to at least some of the sacred teachings, imparted via countless spiraling-pupil mind-meld sessions with the OT-VIII. Smith's reconditioning is just Phase One of a much larger plot, however: Ultimately, his signal will kick in every time he sees a quartet of black Connect Four pieces in diagonal formation, triggering his directive to assassinate the headstrong Kanye West before he becomes President of the United States, toppling their evil regime forever.