Our Top Three Conspiracy Theories Regarding Jessica Simpson's 'Kidney Infection'
Singer/actress/Game Day curse Jessica Simpson was recently treated for a kidney infection at Cedars-Sinai, according to People today. Though her rep assures us she's been released and is doing just fine, our ears tend to perk up whenever we hear of a troubled starlet being rushed to the hospital for all kinds of issues, be they asthma attacks or a simple case of the Batshits. But this is the first time in recent memory that a celeb has attributed their hospital visit to the kind of condition one generally (well, pretty much always) associates with the joy of sex. We did a bit of research, and came up with our top three guesses on what (or who) sent Jess to the operating table, after the jump.
1) According to our handy online infection decoders, one of the tamest causes for Simpson's suffering is a pesky case of strep throat. Which might make sense, seeing as all that brutal training and all those bitter failures boyfriend Tony Romo went through last season could have resulted in contracting the very contagious disease. And knowing Jessica and her recent (alleged) acts of desperation, we have a feeling she'd make out with him anyway, no matter how much the guy protested.
2) Another sort-of-common source of kidney infection is coming into contact with that always-scary-sounding bacteria known as E. Coli. This may make sense as well, seeing as Jessica recently spent some time entertaining the troops in Iraq, where one would hope tending to soldiers' injuries and, you know, amputating limbs would take precedence over a blonde pop star's tummy ache.
3) But, as many of us girls know, "kidney infection" is generally a very sweet way of saying, "I have way too much rough sex, tend to suffer from chronic UTI syndrome, and it kinda caught up with me, doc." As our Intrepid Videographer Molly McAleer put it a bit more bluntly, "Kidney infections are often caused by untreated UTIs and UTIs are often caused by vaginal bacteria like the kind created during sex." Of course, we're in no way suggesting that Jess has been spreading her gorgeous legs a wee too often, but we Mollys are simply stating the facts. Not that we um, knew anything about this stuff before or anything. We just, you know, researched? In any case, get well Jess! And stay away from all those strep-ridden boys, E. Coli-ridden air in the Middle East, and perhaps try the sponge next time Tony's in the mood?
