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"What Would NPH Do?" If we have asked ourselves that question once while staring deeply into the eyes of Neil Patrick Harris straddling a unicorn, we have asked it a thousand times. But now, the Shoe Fairy himself has agreed to provide his fans with the answer to that timeless question. Only problem is, he's not quite sure. "I can't decide between crack cocaine and Paris Hilton," he tells Time Out New York. Which is very winky and cute, but Neil shares more than second-rate stand-up bits in this piece. More on his very detailed description of "cans" (that's "boobies" in NPH-speak) and how he feels about jump-starting his comeback by snorting drugs off a strippers ass, after the jump:

After TONY suggests that the official NPH comeback began not with his critically acclaimed role on HIMYM but with his druggie performance in the original H&K, Neil takes the bait and quips, "I never thought that snorting coke off the ass of a stripper would reinvent my career so well, no." And in case you were wondering, the fake NPH in the sequel has switched mindbenders: "It's mushrooms now." But speaking of strippers, it seems he's seen far more pole-straddlers in his day than you'd expect from a recently outed actor. As he puts it, "I've seen quite a few cans...I like calling them cans. It's fun. Although it's absolutely inappropriate in every way—wrong shape, wrong texture." Though we're not sure what part of that thought is "inappropriate" (the fact that breasts don't feel like beer cans, or that he thinks it's "fun" to call them that), we are delighted to learn that he's grabbed a few in the past. Imagining that is fun, indeed.