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I received this mysterious message yesterday (subject line: "Critical Condition") from someone who must have thought it very important, because it was sent via Blackberry at almost midnight. The sender's identity is unknown. The only clues are a strong animosity towards exclusive noodle bar Momofuku, a disdain for Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni, and an intimate knowledge of cancer doctors, all rolled up in a jet-set lifestyle and finished with (I'm guessing) about a fifth of Jim Beam. What does it all mean? Please reveal yourself, imperious drunken stranger! The full message for you to analyze, after the jump.

Wake up at Gansevoort breakfast includes water, cereal and fresh fruit. Simply perfect. Everyone that served had something that I call sunshine...a nice smile. Lunch at Four Seasons was a small filet and I asked for a small salad but add a ton of shrimp on it. No problem. Perfect lunch and perfect service. For dinner I took my $2500 " date" from Zurich to Papaya King. We brought the food back to the hotel and I watched Marta stick it up her Swiss twat.The only thing Bruni would review would be the hot dog not how Marta prepared it and served it to herself. No this isn't a Playboy or Forum story its my life. ANYWAYS. Enough with dancing mushrooms and asparagus parfaits. I like fine food and great presentation but if you travel all the time meat loaf,potato salad or a good BLT hits the spot. Momofuku can blow me. If I can get an appointment for my daughter to see possibly one of the top brain cancer doctors in the world but I can't get into this noodle joint they should change their name to Momofuku kaka.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry