As part of our ongoing inquiry into the filthy elite of New York's food and restaurant scene, today we present annotated Health Department report cards for the least sanitary restaurants that also have Michelin stars.

[What fuel powers the extraordinary dancing prowess of CBS anchor Katie Couric? Momofuku Noodle Bar, of course. We bet she got the chilled spicy noodles, because they, like her, have an icy exterior belying a fire within.]

I received this mysterious message yesterday (subject line: "Critical Condition") from someone who must have thought it very important, because it was sent via Blackberry at almost midnight. The sender's identity is unknown. The only clues are a strong animosity towards exclusive noodle bar Momofuku, a disdain for Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni, and an intimate knowledge of cancer doctors, all rolled up in a jet-set lifestyle and finished with (I'm guessing) about a fifth of Jim Beam. What does it all mean? Please reveal yourself, imperious drunken stranger! The full message for you to analyze, after the jump.

"'Servers are such greedy bastards,' he says. A server at Ssäm Bar could bring in seventeen hundred dollars in a week working thirty-two hours; a cook working the same hours would earn three hundred and fifty"—from a new New Yorker profile of Momofuku founder and Pork King of New York David Chang. Our next job: server at Ssäm Bar, hopefully! [via Eater]

Restaurateur David Chang (mmm, asian burrito!) makes our hearts go pitter-pat. So we wanted to be right there with him as he anxiously awaits reviewage of his new-ish Ssam Bar by notorious Times touch-football tackler Frank Bruni. (See what we did there?) Luckily, Eater gave him the opportunity to share his feelings and predictions with us. Chang forsees a one-star review for Momofuku Ssam, however, if he gets a goose egg, he has a plan:

Sure, you could read Rob Patronite and Robin Raisfeld's 3,460 word article about the travails of Momofuku and Momofuku Ss m Bar owner David Chang in this week's New York ("the plight of the Asian Burrito" indeed! We find it too small, generally). Or you could read our tipster's rather pithier account:

Remember our extensive 'is the ramen worth it' 'yes' coverage of East Village noodle bar Momofuku a while back? Well, today we were heartened to see more evidence of Ramen Fever: Momofuku's Asian burrito bar cousin, Momofuku Ss m, will now be open longer hours. It will also serve stews. Eater isn't afraid of being accused of overhyping these developments:

Dear twelve thousand people who wrote to us last week to tell us that the hype and lines surrounding Momofuku Noodle Bar are totally justified: get excited! Next week, you will be clogging the sidewalk at the corner of Allen and Rivington, where a new pho bar from an ex-Fleur de Sel chef is opening for business on the 21st. Promising signs that this soup stand will be the new hotness: 1) its below-Houston location — hello, going to Momo means that you have to venture dangerously near the 14th St. invisible barrier that delimits your life 2) "orange and brown decor" and 3) the name sounds sort of like Kombucha, the $3 vinegar soda thing that we always see rich hippies (who are a well-known hipster-yuppie variant strain) drinking on the L train. So there you have it: pho is the new ramen. No word yet on whether any of Kampuchea's menu items will resemble your Asian boyfriend's ass in any way, but here's hoping.

Wow, you sure like ramen! The verdict is in: Momofuku is (for the most part) worth the wait, especially if you're into pork buns — one tipster informs us that these pig-flavored treats are "soft and full (and unnervingly like my Asian boyfriend's ass)." Yummy! And if you want to avoid the wait, there's Momofuku Ssam bar, apparently. The whole "asian burrito" thing skeeves us, but maybe we're wusses. Just a couple of caveats: there's a good reason to steer clear of dragging home your leftovers, and also, their cooks don't want to hear about your pigtail. Read on . . .

Every time we pass E.Vil noodlebar Momofuku, we wonder how it's possible that there's always such a mammoth line of hungry hipstersyupsters clogging the sidewalk. Sure, New York Mag deemed it the best "cheap eats" (our definition of "cheap" is a 25 cent packet of ramen, not a $14 bowl of it, but we digress), and chef David Chang was honored by Food and Wine as a Best New Chef of the year. Buzzbuzzbuzz. Whatever. There would have to be a rainbow-winged unicorn covered in diamonds at the bottom of that ramen bowl to entice us to stand in line for an hour in order to crouch on a stool at a packed counter of a perpetually-overfull restaurant, but then, that's us. What about you? Have you tasted the transcendent ramen? Does it taste like a choir of angels singing, or did you regret the hour of your life you spent staring at the traffic on First Ave.? Tell us.