Salon's advice guy Cary Tennis has never, to our knowledge, actually given good advice. It's almost as if people write to him so as to know what paths to avoid. But seriously, Jan. 9th letter is too something to something. Title: My molester financed my college education. Now I'm depressed and suicidal and very few people know. The letter was signed, "Three O'Clock in the Morning All the Time." Well! TOCITMALT, rest assured your biggest problem isn't molestation or suicide. It's that your writing to Cary Fuckin' Tennis for advice! Come on now! This is the man who once advised a woman who wanted a witty man thusly: "Keep in mind that basically you want a kid and you want some wit. You want some wit and you want a kid. Wit. Kid. Wit. Kid." Um, that doesn't mean anything at all. Also, neither does Cary's Advice to TOCITMALT.