This image was lost some time after publication.

Canadians. Just last week we learned that they are stealing our jobs, brownstones, and potential mates. But this is apparently all we know about them, if two recent news items are to be believed. First, a "comedian" on a "comedy" television show was forbidden by producers from making jokes about Canada or even mentioning that strange nation. Because to announce his Canadianness would confuse viewers. "Why does he speak American, then? He looks so American!" And then maybe they'd Google Canada and learn of its cheap beer and free health care and we'd have a crisis on our hands. No, it's best to keep Americans in the dark about "Canada." Even if it leads to embarrassing diplomatic incidents like the instructional handbook given to George W. Bush and his staff before a state visit to Canada in 2004. DID YOU KNOW: "Canadians, for the most part, place importance on education, skill, modesty and politeness." Canadians—they're nothing like us! More important advice for dealing with Bonnie Fuller below.

. "On being introduced, the customary greetings are: firm handshake, customary 'Hello,' or 'Bonjour' in Quebec." . "During conversation, remove sunglasses." . "While indoors, remove hats." The document states that "most Canadian gestures are the same as those used in the United States," but adds there are some exceptions, including: . "To call someone to you, use the entire hand rather than the index finger." . "In Quebec, the thumbs down sign is considered offensive."

We've never heard of this thumbs thing though to be fair everything is considered offensive to French Canadians. If your people combined the worst stereotypes of the arrogant French with the defensive and funny-talking Canadians you'd be touchy too.