So did you hear that strange, pained keening last night at about 10pm EST? It was a great cry that went up throughout all the land as The Hills, MTV's unstoppable sloppy blown kiss of a reality series, came flouncing back to the airwaves for its fourth and (rumored!! zomg, pleeez???!) final season. And it was business as usual, with fighting and silliness and awkward new characters introduced by the Thwomp-faced Heidi. There was, like any good Chekhov play, a party. Lauren, our reluctant and vaguely sad hero, threw a rocker-attended birthday blowout for her cabana-banished roommate Audrina. She had hoped it would put the friendship back on track, but as always Lo was a Maleficent-level bitch and holed up in her room and then hah! blamed Audrina for not making any effort in the faux friendship (see above clip). Lauren then looked sad and went on a date with a guy named Doug ("...Douggg...") who my sources tell me is the heir to a frozen burrito fortune. No fucking joke. Frozen burritos. Meanwhile in the cartoonish world of Heidi and Spencer, the Piaf-esque singer had her might-as-well-not-have-a-name-she's-so-useless (on the show! she is a real person with feelings!) sister over for an extended visit. Ol' Fleshbeard was none too happy about it, because... well, it wasn't exactly clear what his problem was. Shared airtime? A worry that his sister, Spencerina, might have to cede some coverage? I'm sure we'll see the conflict explored further, because the buckiest Montag ominously intoned that she'd like to move to LA because she had nothing going on back in Colorado (what about the skiing and mega churchgoing???) and Heidi turned to the producers and made sure it was OK and then said it sounded like a good idea. If something else happened, I don't remember. I guess Whitney made some spot-on facial expressions and Justin Bobby looked pretty decent with his short hair and did I mention the frozen burrito heir? My sister called me right after and declared that, based on the scenes-from-the-next, it was going to be a good season. I agreed and we chatted for a moment, but when I hung up I realized that I had no idea what actually looked "good" about this season. I couldn't remember anything in particular, but I did feel that way at the time. And I'm not sure why. It's a mystery I'll be unpacking for months, if not years, I'm sure. In the meantime I'll grudgingly watch—pen in my hand, ending unplanned.