Three hundred and thirty-one days ago, former Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari announced that she was writing a book to be released sometime in the far distant future: “spring 2016.” She later specified that Balancing in Heels would be published in March. Guess what: former Laguna Beach star Lauren Conrad has a book coming out then, too.

In 2008, Lauren Conrad (of Laguna Beach, Calif.) made her runway debut at L.A. Fashion Week with the Lauren Conrad Collection, a now-defunct line she said was inspired by “a trip to Paris.” It was so panned by the press—New York called it “sad” and “bizarre”—that LC never attempted a fashion show again.

Patiently awaiting the icy ecstasy of Death's embrace: an hour-by-hour recap of one woman's daylong tarry.

Earlier today, the patron saint of unique storage space Lauren Conrad ripped apart some Lemony Snicket books with an X-Acto knife and advised others to do the same.

UPDATE: It appears the video has been removed from Youtube (and Lauren Conrad's website). Buzzfeed managed to save a copy with dicey audio. Thanks for betraying us, LC. Now we know how Kristin felt.

Throwaway husband Kris Humphries goes into the jewelry business. Michael Bublé calls Kim Kardashian a "bitch." Leonardo DiCaprio turns 37. Kristen Stewart on her Twilight premiere dress: "Well, it's purple and it's a gown." Tuesday gossip is addicted to fame.

Kim Kardashian tries to prove her ass is real. Jerry Lewis is hospitalized. Lauren Conrad and her boyfriend break up. Saturday's gossip is not romantically involved with Mel Gibson, no matter what anyone else says.

Demi Lovato gives her first post-rehab interview. Charlie Sheen comes out as a birther. Catherine Zeta-Jones opens up about her bipolar disorder. Wednesday gossip has nothing to hide.

Kristen Stewart eats birthday cake in the vicinity of Edward and Jacob. Charlie Sheen is a serial pet killer. Tori Spelling is pregnant again. Ashley Tisdale shows her boobs, and so does Christina Hendricks. Tuesday gossip eats cake.

Kim Kardashian deploys a team of tailors to sew her butt into her dress. Eva Longoria's new boyfriend has an "Eva" tattoo. Charlie Sheen passes two drug tests. Prince Harry will be Prince William's best man. Monday gossip busts out.

Yes indeedy, the blonde wisp-angel is performing at this year's Oscars. Also today: turns out The Walking Dead actually does need writers, Ben Affleck might be headed to Tehran, and MTV finally says no to Lauren Conrad.

Britney Spears overshadows the bride at a wedding. Claire Danes flies coach, and won't stop bragging about it. Charlie Sheen's rehab will take three months. David Arquette is done with rehab. Monday gossip is momentous.

2010 was a great year for Lady Gaga, and a great year for magazines that put her on the cover, with L.G. issues selling higher than usual. But which celebs can't move a mag to save their lives?

[Lauren Conrad films a new goddamn reality show in LA. Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

Poor, on-the-mend Courtney Love will do anything to get close to Adrien Brody. Also today: Some harsh words for Demi Lovato's dad, Rachel Weisz and Darren Aronofsky part ways, Bristol Palin has a problem, and a naked pregnant lady.

Here's a really gorgeous, uplifting video of The Hills star Audrina Patridge's mom slurring and swearing on a sidewalk after her daughter was eliminated from Dancing with the Stars. She has some particularly choice words for Lauren Conrad. Terrific.

So, Lauren Conrad, in all her banal chicness, told sort of a funny story! She was, like, attacked by monkeys. And even though this is a clip from Lopez Tonight, it's worth watching—we, like, promise! Video inside.

Lauren Conrad explains FUU's in this hilariously fake PSA. Funny how she'ss telling people how to dress while wearing a duvet cover as a top and has a book cover that makes her look like Sarah Jessica Parker.

Lindsay Lohan: Free again. How much does it cost to have the Situation hang out with you? Oksana and Mel exchange dueling extortion claims. But, seriously, guys. Lindsay Lohan's out of jail! Saturday Gossip Roundup can't believe it either.

Today at Gawker.TV, Steve Carell talks about his decision to leave The Office, Ricky Gervais gives Louis CK a not-so-professional rectal exam, and Lauren Conrad stops by to help Kathy and Maggie Griffin start a clothing line.