Last night was the night the lights went out on Broadway, as the Gossip Girl kids (and the adults too) were cast into darkness. There was a New York City-wide power outage on the teen soap, a time for furtive sexual dealings and sad, quiet truths to be whispered to lovers, safe from the harsh light of electricity. But, because this is Gossip Girl, it was also sort of a metaphor for erectile dysfunction. Our story began with a heatwave, the sort of sweltering New York late summer day that drives me (and Chuck) to drink. But apparently these young people prefer to work hard! at their fashion internships, and suck mug in vestibules, and try to seduce their floppy fish wet blanket British lord boyfriends. Yes, Dan and Serena were still making kissy and sexy and Chuck was drinking away the blues and Blair was trying to get Lord Foppington to hoppington into the sack. Alas she was foiled because he wanted it to be special. Because that's what most 20-year-old boys are like. Though Derena were shagging like mad, they still hadn't Talked About Their Issues. You know, that kind of supreme emotional baggage often associated with high school seniors. Serena cooed softly and cocked her head in that pigeon way of hers and Dan grimaced a lot, like Garfield without his lasagna, and somewhere an old Amish man sat slowly weaving on a spindle and it was somehow more exciting than this crazy/boring couple. Though it was kind of terrific when those three little girls, all be-Blaired in Central Park, gave the couple a rundown of their own relationship as they understood it from the popular gossip website GossipGirl. So fun to see the website used again! And it was a bit of an "aha!" vague wagging of a finger at some general idea of the internet on the writers' part. "Take that... computers." Meanwhile Nate continued to give the blocks to Jessica Tandy, much to his chagrin. You see he'd been made something of a gigolo, though he really wanted to be with his sexy Brooklyn Latina goddess Vanessa. Maria Vanessa seemed equally interested in Nate, but why is quite unclear. Their little cutesy interactions involved Jessica Szohr puckering her face while, inside Chace Crawford's head, that Amish man's spindle turned and turned and turned. But whatever it is they're feeling, they believe it to be love. Too bad for them that Old Lady Witherspoon caught them canoodling on the street. Evil machinations ensue! And then there's poor Chuck, who is drinking and smoking himself into oblivion because, erm, he he hasn't got any wind in his sails. His rocket's outta fuel. Um... other... euphemisms. Yeah, he can't get it up and the only way he thinks he can is if he "cleans the pipes" with Blair one last time ("emotional sexual Drano," Serena calls it). Thus the scene is laid for yet another party, this one supposedly for Polly Penington's Private School for People seniors and their parents. Things that happened at the party: Chuck groped Blair and said "make love" (because that's what 17-year-old boys say) then he whispered something dirrrty in her ear. Blair shook him off. Vanessa caught Nate holding hands with the naked old lady from that one horrible scene in The Shining and was totes grossed out. Then the power went out! Meanwhile Dan and Serena were trapped in an elevator. The only interesting thing that happened was that Dan fell down. Dan fell down in the elevator and I laughed a lot. Probably too much. And then they broke up. Hooray! Meanwhile back at Little Lord Fauntleroy's Poopie Prep senior mixer, Blair demanded bonage from Foppington, telling him to meet her in her room. Chuck went instead, they commenced making out, then the lights came back on and everyone was sad because Foppington now knew the wicked truth. Downstairs the pile of ancient dust wearing a wig was telling Vanessa to skedaddle lest she reveal Nate's dad's secret location to the FBI. Again, everyone was sad. I suppose things happened with little J-sephina, but meh. I'm not going to cover her boring and silly plotlines (15-year-old has an internship at a major fashion house! no!) until they bring back her little queer counterpart. I kind of hate shows that have a gay following, tease a little bit about a gay story, thinking they've satisfied everyone! fabulous!, and then sweep it back under the rug. Not to be uppity, but it rankles. Anyway, this initially flaccid episode definitely perked up when the blackout gave it a big ol' shot of Viagra. Things got exciting, everyone got excited, even ol' man Humphrey got a date. All the lights eventually came back on and in the end Dan and Vanessa gazed out at old Manhattan glittering there across the river and then there was music and then the rest was silence. Much like sex. The sex that Blair and Chuck didn't have. Yet.