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Trust a campus reporter to get to the heart of the underloved MIT student body. The Tech's Christine Yu explains sex in a language those who need it most can relate to in a moment of crisis: introductory math and physics. You don't need to have gotten off or awkward in Cambridge's most notorious sub-basements to find a grain of truth in her advice.

Problem: You wake up in bed with someone, and you have no recollection of the night before — including his/her name. Solution: Go with Michael or Elizabeth! According to admissions statistics, those have been the most popular names for the last 2 years Problem: She goes dry. Solution: Do not just keep thrusting, didn’t you learn about friction in physics class? Problem: You left your iTunes on shuffle and Zelda music came on. Solution: Do not stop kissing, and ask the girl, “how far do you want to go?” “Err, we can go to base 3.14,” is probably how you should respond. Problem: You haven’t had sex in months or you’ve never had sex. Solution: Join the club. I haven’t had sex in months.

See, Paul? Bedroom success for MIT students hasn't changed since your own college days! (Nerd sex illustrated by Randall Munroe/xkcd.com)