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Sunday greetings from Defamer HQ, where television's! Biggest! Night! has us shaking off our hangovers for live coverage of the 60th annual Emmy Awards. That's right — we're doing this live, bypassing that silly West Coast tape delay for the straight dirt as it happens on the red carpet, inside the Nokia Theater and wherever else history and fools are being made on this historic evening. You know the subplots to watch for over the long night ahead, so read along and join the party. And heads up: Spoilers (and a few advance clips) follow for anyone who can't bear to know Heidi Klum's hosting benchmarks or how much ass Mad Men is kicking before watching for themselves in primetime. That said, we've already filled you in this year's heroes in comedy and drama; what more is there to know? After the jump, join us on the express elevator into the heart of Emmy hell!10:56 We've never been happier to see Tom Selleck; he's presenting Outstanding Drama to... MAD MEN. Our thoughts exactly! Not a bad way to go out, and not a minute too soon — we're Emmyed out, we think. Thanks for joining us — where's the bar? 10:54 Mary Tyler Moore and Betty White present 30 ROCK with the Outstanding Comedy Emmy. 10:45 Kimmel cuts to commercial before revealing the Best Reality Host award-winner. Clever! We'll take advantage of it: The Yankees are up 5-3 in the sixth inning of the final game at Yankee Stadium. And ... they're back, and the world seems a little lesser place knowing JEFF PROBST is an Emmy winner. 10:37 Look what Rickles hath wrought: Now Kiefer's not even allowed to walk to the podium out of a commercial break; he just materializes Kieferishly to present Best Actor in a drama... who is... BRYAN CRANSTON for Breaking Bad? What? We'll have to come back to this; Craig Ferguson and Brooke Shields are sprinting on to present Best Actress in a comedy... who is... TINA FEY for 30 Rock. Bryan Cranston. Huh. 10:32 This In Memoriam montage is kind of bracing. Charlton Heston, Isaac Hayes, Sydney Pollack... and George Carlin apparently died twice. 10:26 Candice Bergen hands off Best actor in a comedy to ALEC BALDWIN for 30 Rock. Gahhhh! We can't keep up! America Ferrara and Vanessa Williams come out to present Best Actress in a drama... who is... GLENN CLOSE for Damages. 10:23 Glenn Close is just so... classy. She should be hosting! Anyway, she presents Best Actor in a movie or miniseries... who is... PAUL GIAMATTI for John Adams. 10:15 Greg Yaitanes just won an Emmy for directing House. House has directors? Who knew? And Matt Weiner won the dramatic writing prize for Mad Man. Naturally. 10:09 Don Rickles encore! He wins best performance in a variety/music show, telling most of the same jokes he told in Mr. Warmth — the documentary/concert film he just won for. And the circle is complete. 10:01 John Adams wins Best Miniseries. Producer Tom Hanks gets to show off his Da Vinci sequel coiffure; it's good to see the Vatican hasn't gotten him yet. 9:59 Kathy Griffin joins Don Rickles to present, standing ovation ensues. Rickles is killing: "Let's read these funny lines they wrote for us! ... Hey folks, this crap got me no place, I'll tell you that right now." The show resumes, with The Amazing Race nabbing Best Reality Competition. Rickles cuts the producer off and drags him offstage. Sigh. More like this, please. 9:50 We need an intermission! Can we interest anybody in any air sex? 9:45 "This dried up prune has the experience we need!" Even Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are on fumes presenting Best Director for a miniseries or movie... who is... JAY ROACH for Recount. He thanks his wife, ex-Bangle Susanna Hoffs, which promptly gets him thrown off stage. Best writing, meanwhile, goes to John Adams. 9:42 The Emmys has now regressed to CSI's changing of the guard: Laurence Fishburne picks up the keys from Bill Petersen while presenting Supporting Actor for miniseries or movie... who is... for Recount. 9:35 Christian Slater and Christina Applegate present Best Made for TV movie... which is... Recount. 9:31 That whole Piven host-bashing acceptance speech an hour ago got worse backstage, we hear: ""I thought we were being punk'd. [...] I was confused. [In the room] it was like in The Producers when they do Springtime for Hitler. There's a, 'What was actually happening right now?' There was a great line about Sarah Palin that landed. But it was confusing. From Lucille Ball on, television has been so entertaining. And this was a celebration of nothingness so it was confusing." 9:21 Lauren Conrad is presenting an Emmy. With David Boreanaz. On the bright side (as if it gets darker) TINA FEY comes out of it with the Outstanding Comedy Writing award for 30 Rock. 9:15 The most brutal part of this Laugh-In number is that it may very well have imploded its legacy among any viewers who hadn't seen it before. It's appallingly unfunny and beyond depressing. The whole thing leads into the Outstanding Comedy or Variety show... which is... THE DAILY SHOW. Suck it, Colbert. 9:07 Alec Baldwin fails to plug his book while presenting Lead Actress in a miniseries or movie... who is... LAURA LINNEY for John Adams. 9:03 After a start that had us tying a noose, we admit that Josh Groban's opening-theme lightning round is kind of weirdly riveting. He had us at South Park. 8:52 Giving Tommy Smothers a 40-years belated Emmy for writing on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, Steve Martin drops "perspicacious, multifarious and placatory" and about 90 percent of the viewing audience in a 10-second burst. Smothers himself loses the rest. But we're back now! 8:48 Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Hayden Panitierre present Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Program to... THE COLBERT REPORT. Shocker! Jon Stewart gets thanked but looks like he's caught on camera reaching for his flask. 8:43 Conan O'Brien: "I would have had better stuff tonight but Katherine Heigl wrote my material." Zing! Then he presents Supporting Actress in a drama ... who is... DIANNE WEIST. 8:36 Ricky Gervais busts Steve Carell's balls in the best bit of the night. Careful, Ricky — Ryan says they're enlarged! And for what it's worth, Louis Horivtz — yes, the Louis Horvitz — won the variety-show directing prize for this year's Oscars. 8:33 Wait — Jackée Harry won an Emmy? These montages are great. 8:26 The ladies of Desperate Housewives present Supporting Actor in a drama ... who is... ZELJKO IVANEK. We missed it, but more importantly: Did Eva Longoria know she'd only get literally six words in? She's a team player after all! 8:18 Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who is wearing a dress made of salmon scales, presents Supporting Actress in a comedy ... who is... JEAN SMART. 2 for 2. 8:11 Tina Fey and Amy Poehler present Supporting Actor in a comedy... who is... JEREMY PIVEN. Naturally he takes his bombed joke out on the hosts: "Thanks to the 11 of you who laughed. What If I just talked for 12 minutes. That would be the opening!" Really, Pivs, you can go the Heigl route any time now. PS: Defamer Emmy predictions are 1 for 1. 8:05 Jeff Probst: "We have absolutely nothing for you." And really, they don't. So who do they turn to? Who else: Bill Shatner. And we guarantee that was the first and last time he'll ever tear off a supermodel's clothes. 8:00 Are we the only ones who don't get the opening monta— OMGZ OPRAH!! 7:53 Aw! Christina Applegate is on hand, looking great and sounding great. That is all. 7:43 Kimmel's ABC special has an OK faux-interview with Salma Hayek, but the real action is back at the Twilight Zone of E!, where Giuliana Rancic points out that Bryan Cranston is the only actor to play both a crystal meth dealer and Frankie Muniz's father. 7:28 Lackluster as Tina Fey's Seacrest interlude was earlier, she's still got a highlight from the E! broadcast. Remember the timeshare Martin Scorsese pushed on her in that American Express spot a while back? Finally, the details! 7:19 Jeremy Piven finally showed up — no date(s) apparently, his Mom is "over it." Aren't. We. All. 7:15 Now here's some news: Eva Longoria and Tony Parker were held up in a bomb scare. Ever the professional, Seacrest segues effortlessly into Housewives' five-year plot jump. Did we mention this award is his to lose? 7:05 "We're joined by the cast of Entourage..." But where is the Piv? Picking up his date(s)? Developing... 6:51 Breaking! Britney Spears wanted to come back to How I Met Your Mother when Sarah Chalke's storyline was reintroduced. Not so fast, alas — the producers will have to get back to her about that. 6:47 Are Seacrest and Steve Carell bonding over enlarged balls? They are! Is it 8 yet? 6:43 More breaking development news! Marcia Cross confirms there will be no Melrose Place revival. 6:39 How the other half lives: On TV Guide Channel, Lisa Rinna has back-to-back interviews with Tony Shalhoub and Zeljko Ivanek intercut with arrivals footage of... Phylicia Rashad. 6:32 That Tracy Morgan interview was the most boring 90 seconds of his career. 6:22 Jenna Fischer looks great, and now she's saying there's no Office spin-off at all — i.e. "cannibalizing the granddady," as Seacrest says. Not that, either, Fischer says. 6:14 Emmy ParentWatch continues! Seacrest shoves aside a weak Kathy Griffin for Rainn Wilson, who brings up his own old man for a chat. After the troubling disclosure about some Wilson/Jason Reitman reunion called Bonzai Shadowhands ("I play a drunk, down-and-out ninja"), a more scintillating update reveals they're holding off a year for the Office spin-off. And three weddings this year. Huh. 6:07 Because the world needs another Sandra Oh interview like it needs another Fey/Palin comparison, Seacrest brought her parents in for the Q&A — Mr. and Mrs. Oh from Ottawa. Fun fact: Her mother is a scientist! 6:00 OMG!!!! Finally — Seacrest, Klum, Bergeron, Mandel, and Probst, all together at once on E! This truly is the impossible dream, and Probst is going tie-less. Slob. Kiss the Best Reality TV Host prize goodbye.