Who knew going back to school would be so much fun? Last night's episode of bitchy teen soap Gossip Girl saw the children of the New York elite returning to their fancy pants school after a summer of lazing about Europe and the Hamptons, and a true return to form for the show's writers who were... I dunno, lazing about their couches all summer. Relationships crumbled, secrets were revealed, and, most importantly, there was drinking. There's this imagined New York that I adore, in which 16 and 17-year-olds can sidle up to the toniest bars north of 14th street and just order up any damn drink they please. Half-full martini (perfect for sexy sloshing!) for Serena? Sure! Scotch on the rocks (or whatever) for lunky Larry Lacrosse from Dalton? Absolutely. It's hysterical and I love it. I just hope the real kids don't think it works that way. Anyway, yes, there was a bar. It was the culmination of a series of bitchy miscommunications involving a dopey girl with bangs named Amanda and Serena's bitchy former posse of friends. Newly broken up, Serena and Dan were awkward on their first day of school. Then The Troubles began. Dan was seen chatting with Bangsmanda, Serena got sad, her friends got mad. Bangsmanda was invited into the crew by a be-field-hockeyed Blair, then instructed to stay away from Danny. Bangsmanda said no, dragged Dan to a bar, Gossip Girl found out, everyone was mad and sad and Dan was confused and such a boyyyyyy about it. So Serena said "eff it, let's the three of us go out" and so they did but Bangsmanda was acting the fool about Rilke and Dan was guffawing along with her so Serena—a woman after my own heart—decided to get wasted and hit on people. Meanwhile those two little lackeys (the black one and the vaguely Mediterranean one) decided to be wicked and pour Nair on Bangsmanda's beautiful nest of hair. It started falling out, Serena acted innocent, Dan flipped out and said that she was, at heart, a Mean Girl, and that was the end of that. Bitchy Serena was back. "From now on, everything goes through me" she said icily to Token and Jimmy the Greek. Oohhh. It was wonderful! Though, Serena's character is written so hilariously inconsistently. I think she maybe has some sort of personality disorder that will haunt her terribly in her later years, but for now it's fun! Meanwhile Chuck was scheming about something. Blair, in her yearly tradition, was interviewing the new crop of wannabe lackeys (one was a black girl whose father was the doctor for the Knicks! did anyone else think of Blair Underwood's character on Sex and the City? is he her father? no? just me? gunshot!). Chuck handed her Amanda's dossier, which Blair assessed as "Dan with boobs." Which is true, except that at the end we found out that Bangsmanda was a secret agent, working nefariously for Chuckles the Clown to get the Bitchy Serena back so Blair could be dethroned as queen bee. This is all, we assume, some convoluted way to win back Blair's pulpy heart. It was nice to see the writers laying groundwork for an extended plot line. Though, I'm sure it will be resolved next week. Blair was busy with other things for most of the episode anyway, namely learning from a snooping Vanessa that—gasp!—Catherine, The Last Living Civil War Widow, has been putting the skins to her stepson Lord Foppington, Blair's fey fake-British lord of a boyfriend. It was a funny moment that we probably all saw coming. Blair was teary and furious when she saw the camera photos, and told Vanessa to shut up and stay out of it. She'd take care of it. Of course Vanessa didn't fully understand Blair's technique, so she went and blabbed to the Duke, ruining the deal that Blair had arranged with Methuselah With Boobs—that she would pay for Nate's dad's restitution (is that the right word?) and leave town, thus solving everything. Nate was sad with Vanessa and Vanessa was wearing brightly colored clothes and I wanted to urge her to get back to the set of Roundhouse before it disappeared for another 15 years, like Brigadoon. I suppose I can mention Jenny because there was a tiny bit with Erik last night. He was having breakfast with the family (oh! Lily's back! Kelly Rutherford is good as ever, even when paired with Singles extra Matthew Settle!) and Chuck was talking to Serena in front of him and said to Serena "you're a born queen" to which I shrieked "just like your brother!!!" and my roommate didn't think it was that funny but I laughed a lot. So yeah, there he was. So I can say that Jenny is still being tormented by Token and Jimmy the Greek. I'm curious to see what Jenny's Phoenix from the Ashes moment will be. I suspect it will be in next week's Fashion Week episode. Because, you know, Jenny does fashion. (That's her thing. Everyone needs a thing. In high school, my thing was smoking. Still is! What was your thing?) Anyyyyway, it was a great episode, full of twists and turns and intrigue and barely any Nate (though sadly, no bare Nate) and, again, the teeny bops getting drunk at Swanktown Bistro. I hope they can keep this pace up. They really seem to be hitting their stride—like Bart Bass walking in flip flops on some faraway sand. Uncomfortable and looking at his feet at first, then eventually getting the hang of it. Secure in his flip flops, in his new comfortable rhythm, as he strides gaily down the beach.