High School Reunion Knockout Punch Highlights Imaginary Danger Of The Internet

Once again, the internet is causing humanity to be beaten up. A high school (on Long Island, strangely enough) organized its five-year reunion using dangerous internet site Facebook. But when Adam Lynn, a derivative trader (ha) from Hoboken (ha) arrived at the bar where it was being held, he was attacked by two of his fellow classmates! The dispute was traced back to "a hotly contested gym-class handball game during their junior year." When will the internet stop being so dangerous that the press has to issue ominous warnings whenever anything vaguely internet-related happens? It's not just this latest "PUNCH IN 'FACE BOOK,'" as the Post eloquently puts it. The media has been warning us of internet dangers forever!

• Myspace: Log on and have your children raped.
• Facebook is filling up with creepy old people (who are probably rapists).
• Also Facebook will ruin your engagement.
• Flickr: A place where baby rapists look at pictures of your babies and masturbate to them.
• The government uses bloggers to hide its role in the Kennedy assassination.
• Nasty internet comments in England could cost you eleventy billion dollars.
• And dangerous hackers are hacking your email and looking for pictures of your children, which is why we should all be thrown in jail.