Longest. Election. Ever. After two years of baskstabbing, backslapping and backbiting, we'll know by early Wednesday morning which Senator will be signing the Executive Orders for emergency food supplies and government assistance disbursements when the economy goes into the metaphorical Andy Gump port-a-john. Your future, however, does not depend on the Electoral College, but on the stars. If today - November 3 - is your birthday: While it would seem logical to take down that Sarah Palin effigy this week, keep it up well through the holiday season. That flow of Scientology solicitors has all but but dried up. More astrological excitement after the jump!

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): Zack and Miri Make a Porno might have been profoundly disappointing, but your own efforts to make a skin flick with your roommate/eventual boyfriend will result in more frequent laughs and honest emotions. Your agent might not be thrilled with your career direction, but she'd take a 10% cut of an ethnic cleansing. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Not sure what to wear to the big interview? Confidence always looks good and sincerity is a great look. Don't wear that J. Crew skirt-suit monstrosity, it makes you look like a weird anime princess. Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Love is in the air this week. That cute PA who has been making eyes at you all season long will finally get the courage to ask you out. Don't be coy. He wants to bone Diane in wardrobe just as much. Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Charisma. Serenity. Grace. Ideally, these would be qualities you possess, but the gods know they're the names of escorts you've hired to accompany you at the last three AFI Fests.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Rather than the stars influencing you, turn the tables and make them obey your will. When Marcia Cross tells you to pick up her drycleaning, tell her to do the same for you. Not only will she respect your spunk, but she'll put you in charge of finding her a new assistant. Aries (March 21 - April 19): As an acting union member, you like to keep aware of the latest issues facing working actors. Sure, you failed to make a living at it, but you make sure the quarterly issues of AFTRA Magazine get forwarded to your mom's house. Taurus (April 20 - May 20): That promotion was rightfully yours, but don't let not getting it ruin your week. There will be lots of other opportunities to become a production coordinator, especially if you cut the brakes on the shuttle bus to the set. Gemini (May 21 - June 21): The career of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, fellow Geminis, will show you the ideal lifepath this week. You will show the world that you've fully matured by publishing a book of interviews with creative visionaries, designing lines of bohemian-eclectic fashion and involving yourself peripherally in a celebrity's death.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Don't take your agent's advice literally. When he said to "write what you know," he did not mean to script a miniseries about an overweight 43-year-old man who lives alone and masturbates to photos of Christine Baranski. Leo (July 23 - August 22): You might think that the recent honor you received was undeserved, but it's not your fault that the Savannah Film Festival didn't keep Malcolm McDowell's lifetime achievement award in a locked case. Virgo (Augut 23 - September 22): Your boss might throw staplers at your face and purposefully disrupt your attempts to help him and his roster of A-list directors, but when it comes time for you to move up and represent clients yourself, he'll give you the respect of sabotaging you indirectly. Libra (September 23 - October 23): Libra is the only non-living, inanimate sign of the zodiac. Still, this doesn't justify your non-living, inanimate portrayal of Elphaba. That matinee audience deserved better.