defamer-horoscopes
Your Romantic Digital Transition Is In Retrograde
McCluskey and Miller · 02/09/09 04:22PMAre You Getting Laid or Laid-Off This Week?
McCluskey and Miller · 02/02/09 04:52PM21st Century Ox
McCluskey and Miller · 01/26/09 05:23PMNow Screening: 'Your Low Budget Future!'
McCluskey and Miller · 01/19/09 06:01PMAnd The Bad Celestial Omen Goes To...
McCluskey and Miller · 01/12/09 04:50PMTake a Fresh Step in '09
McCluskey and Miller · 01/05/09 02:36PMYour New Year's Resolutions Revealed
McCluskey and Miller · 12/29/08 04:21PMHarness Your Inner Power Animal
McCluskey and Miller · 12/22/08 04:46PMYour Sloppy Seconds Are On Fire
McCluskey and Miller · 12/15/08 04:42PMDon't Panic: The Moon's In Xanax
McCluskey and Miller · 12/08/08 04:23PMAfter three little earthquakes over the weekend (sadly not of the Tori Amos variety) left no major damage, we feel confident in saying that the apocalyptic front that moved in offshore has safely exited the Southland and is now wreaking havoc on Scottsdale or Tucson. Let those Snowbirds deal with it, you need to find a new director for your vampire movies. Your astrological B.O. predictions after the jump.
Your Getting-Baked Sign Is Rising
McCluskey and Miller · 12/01/08 02:30PMDreaming of a White Christmas? It's L.A., so a Wet Christmas is the closest you're going to get. It rained last week, so who knows, you might be making puddle angels in the Vons Hollywood parking lot while Santa cruises through the lower atmosphere. Let's just hope Ol' St. Nick's entrances require fewer sonic booms than the Space Shuttle Endeavor.
Holy Shit, The Holidays Are Here!
McCluskey and Miller · 11/24/08 02:20PMHopefully, most Defamer readers have a short work week and a long weekend to reflect on the descent into economic depression occurring in front of our eyes. With Obama naming his economic team today, it's time for you to put together your own team of advisers, namely your broker friend Steve and that attractive junior agent who told you that he has all his money in Turkish pharmaceutical stocks. If today - November 24 - is your birthday: Thanksgiving day promises a variety of experiences and flavors for you. Metaphorically speaking, avoid the green bean casserole (Jealousy) and salty gravy (Anger) but eat as much pumpkin pie (Comfort) as you like. The executive producers may have demanded that you lose 20 pounds for that bikini-centric role, but your mom's turkey (Shame) is being served in large quantities. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): A time for renewal is coming. Sure, you'll still be in poor health and not getting enough sleep, but those mid-season replacements will make your world bright again. More star sign servings after the jump!
Fire Signs
McCluskey and Miller · 11/17/08 01:48PMIs Venus in the third house this week? Is your first house still standing? The Southland has been through hell but hopefully better things are in store for the coming week. If today - November 17 - is your birthday: The aging process spares no one and is especially unkind to Hollywood actors. It's time to begin that all-consuming, lifelong project of bizarre health routines and plastic surgery. It may not be natural or healthy, but it shows a high level of ambition. Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): There's no need to constantly run through your impressive resume of producing credits in front of your friends. They'd be your friends even if you weren't successful, as long as you still gave them free coke. More wisdom after the jump!
The Exit Polls Are In: You're Ready For Love!
McCluskey and Miller · 11/03/08 03:50PMLongest. Election. Ever. After two years of baskstabbing, backslapping and backbiting, we'll know by early Wednesday morning which Senator will be signing the Executive Orders for emergency food supplies and government assistance disbursements when the economy goes into the metaphorical Andy Gump port-a-john. Your future, however, does not depend on the Electoral College, but on the stars. If today - November 3 - is your birthday: While it would seem logical to take down that Sarah Palin effigy this week, keep it up well through the holiday season. That flow of Scientology solicitors has all but but dried up. More astrological excitement after the jump!
Your Autumnal Equinox Membership Is Expiring
McCluskey and Miller · 10/27/08 12:45PMWhat's in the stars this week? Stock market turbulence? More octogenarians behaving badly? Answers below. If today - October 27 - is your birthday: Your numbers are 11, 39 and 54. These would be lucky numbers, if they didn't already equate to the ages of the individuals on set today who will yell at you for fucking up their lunch orders. Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): Instead of putting that Jamie Kennedy reality competition series into production, how about you greenlight some time with your son? He's starting to burn things at school. More celestial wisdom after the jump!Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): At Tuesday's call, don't greet your fellow petite, blonde, fresh-faced types that are at every casting session with hugs and polite questions and displays of real friendship. Save your acting for the room. Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): You will know that you have found your ultimate love match when he/she agrees that Synecdoche, New York was a perfect first date movie. Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Find better uses for your time. Ringo Starr's fan mail deadline was last week, and he already passed on your Yellow Submarine sequel - Return to Pepperland.