With the stock market officially crashed and the economy collapsed, everyone wants a piece of the Treasury Department's $700 billion bailout package, especially now that there's only $60 billion left. The cash line includes automakers, insurers, credit card issuers, boat financers, blah blah blah the important part is they all have to go beg as supplicants to a strapping man in a cowboy hat, who says no, and spanks them. Forget bald, hunky Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson or his young ski bum deputy Neel Kashkari: Jeb Mason will neg you for the win. Reports the Times:

"Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of good news for them individually," said Jeb Mason, who as the Treasury's liaison to the business community is the first port-of-call for lobbyists. "The government shouldn't be in the business of picking winners and losers among industries."

Mr. Mason, 32, a lanky Texan in black cowboy boots who once worked in the White House for Karl Rove, shook his head over the dozens of phone calls and e-mail messages he gets every week. "I was telling a friend, ‘this must have been how the Politburo felt,' " he said.

Why couldn't Michael Brown make hands-off government look this sexy? Oh right, he was spanking the poors, not Wall Street.