Mark Penn should be shot from a cannon into the deepest part of the ocean. Instead he has a new Wall Street Journal column! Let's read it, and cry.

This is the first half of the first sentence of the article, and in our fantasies, publishing this where people can read it would actually be illegal!

As the financial crisis swept across the nation these past few months, one of the first microtrend groups to emerge is

We bet you're excited to read further! Mark Penn should be ashamed to show his byline in public, as the pollster is famous for being one of the worst political minds of his generation, inventing meaningless demographic groups instead of winning elections. He took over Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton's campaign and then she lost to a completely untested outsider (and it was all his fault!). Let's read the rest of that first sentence:

the New Mattress Stuffers — people who have lost their trust in the financial world, and are preparing for the next meltdown.

The proof that this cutely named demographic group exists? Anecdotal evidence, plus a Holiday Spending Survey that suggests that people are spending less. And also they're using cash they have, instead of credit cards, not because they're a crazy new demographic group but because people finally wised the fuck up. Anyway Mark Penn suggests you invest in guns and safes!