Have you heard the big crazy news? Guy Ritchie, film director, is getting between $76 and $92 million in divorce settlement monies from his now ex-wife, folk singer Madonna Louise Ciccone. That is so much cheddar that maybe a mouse has died from being so happy while dreaming of it! And the funny thing is, who the F was Guy Ritchie before she came along? Just a dude who made some dude-ish British indie crime caper movies (and is now making Sherlock Holmes wiff Robert Downey Jr) and well, hell, he could retire now forever and never have to pretend he has a viable career ever again. Just like:

Carrie actress Amy Irving, who got a sweet-ass $100 million in a friendly divorce from small-time filmmaker Steven Spielbergo. They got married before either of them were really famous and then he got huge and she kinda never really made it past Delancey, but now it doesn't matter! She does fun plays at Lincoln Center like Tom Stoppard's long and lovely Coast of Utopia trilogy and sits on her piles of money and that's her life. We want it!

We also want Terminator thespian Linda Hamilton's, because she doesn't really act either (unless you count summertime play festivals in Western Mass), but who cares? She got fifty million clams when she split with True Lies auteur James Cameron. Before they married, she was living in the sewers and dating a monster! Quite a step up!

A step down for sure, but still something, is that runted-from-malnourishment ferret Kevin Federline, who got maybe around $13 kamillion when he divorced Southern jellybean Britney Spears. That's good for him, because he's just a failed backup dancer who has 143 kids scattered like spit-out sunflower seeds all over this brown, withering nation. Plus he has custody of the Spears-Federline angels, PopoZão and Tanooki Suit, so he gets even more money from Britney every lazy month.

So these are all very lucky people. Who remind us that when God closes a marriage door, sometimes He opens up a huge holy-shit-I'm-single-and-rich sack with a dollar sign on it.