In 2008, at a gala hosted by Gucci benefiting Madonna’s charity, Donald Trump paid $120,000 for a tour of a France’s Chateau Latour vineyard. As auctioneer Chris Rock described, the tour would include a lunch with “Salma Hayek and her breasts.” According to BuzzFeed News, however, not only did Trump use other people’s money to pay for the trip, he never even went on it.

In the 1991 movie Madonna: Truth or Dare, the titular superstar plays the role of her lifetime: herself. Filmed during her 1990 Blond Ambition tour when the then-31-year-old pop star was at her commercial peak, the Alek Keshishian-directed concert film/backstage documentary finds Madonna reveling in the cult of her personality. “She doesn’t want to live off-camera, much less talk,” her then-boyfriend Warren Beatty remarks in one scene, delivering a perfect capsule review. Seemingly baring all, at least in terms of her personality’s facets, she is unafraid to come off as a demanding asshole, just as often as she promotes the idea that she’s the nurturing mother in the “family” of employees that support her.

Sean Penn goes by a number of honorifics: actor, journalist, philanthropist, activist, humanitarian. At scattered points throughout his career, however, reporters and biographers have branded him with a much less noble title: wife beater. Since the late Eighties, numerous media outlets have alleged, with varying degrees of specificity and confidence, that Penn is guilty of assaulting—in some versions, torturing—his ex-wife of four years, Madonna. But are these accounts actually true?

Madonna is doing something really unfortunate on social media right now.

It has not been the most splendid holiday season for Madonna, who had an entire album's worth of new songs leak last week. Nonetheless, she appears to still be in the Christmas spirit. Above you see the lone Christmas decoration outside her mansion on 81st Street in Manhattan: a wreath with dangling chrome letters spelling out the phrase "DAT ASS."

The worst part of Madonna's leaked album full of shitty singles had to be her outraged statement, released the next day, decrying her artistic rape at the hands of terrorists.

Sister Cristina Scuccia is an Italian Ursuline nun who won the Italian version of the singing competition The Voice earlier this year. She has elected to release a cover of Madonna's "Like a Virgin" as a single. Here is what she says the song is about:

All long weekends must come to an end, unless you're Madonna.

This is the most awesome thing that's happened since Madonna signed up for Instagram and immediately started posting unflattering pictures of herself.

A movie theater chain famous for its strict no-texting policy has declared Madonna persona non grata after she reportedly ruined the New York Film Festival premiere of Steve McQueen's 12 Years A Slave for several filmgoers by texting nonstop during the screening, and barking at a woman who politely asked her to stop.

"I love Madonna to death, but she's never going to give me that damn baton. I'll probably turn into more of a Joni Mitchell," says Katy Perry, who apparently has never listened to Joni Mitchell or tried to pry anything from her cold, dead painter hands.

Yesterday, Madonna experienced the great modern celebrity rite of passage into the illusion of tech-savvy by participating in an Ask Me Anything on Reddit. She was often very sassy. She answered "send photo" over half a dozen times. In lowercase with sparing punctuation, she was just revealing enough to remain worth reading. She spoke of a dream in which, "Brad Pitt and I were living together and there was a small blonde child in the bed." She added, "Sorry Angelina, it was only a dream." Later she said that this made her laugh.

Last Monday, Madonna arrived in Malawi a VIP. Last Saturday, she left the country with her VIP status revoked.

After flirting with Twitter last year, it seems that Madonna has decided to give herself over to Instagram. On Saturday, she posted an image of herself peering over a martini glass with the caption "Cheers motherfuckers! I'm on instagram." She looks severe and soul-hungry, like Mr. Burns in a blonde wig with bangs.

During an open-air concert in Santiago, Chile, on Wednesday, Madonna got a bit testy with a fan who decided to visit flavor country in the middle of her set.

In a victory for the women-over-50 fanbase of "Gangnam Style," Madonna got down with Psy onstage last night.

"I always try to write songs so that they could be read on lots of different levels, so you could appreciate them superficially and then if you go deeper you could see something else," Madonna told British TV's Jonathan Ross in 1992, promoting her Erotica album and Sex book. This was the puffing of a now frequently bared chest or maybe autofellatio from a woman who had recently told Vanity Fair, "I think I have a dick in my brain."

After the video of his "Vogue" performance at his 1992 bar mitzvah went viral back in August, Shaun Sperling has really been cashing in on his fifteen minutes of fame, hard. This weekend we got to see more of Mr. Sperling than ever before, as the boy who became a man became a burlesque act.

Last night in D.C., Madonna had a very important message for concert-goers: vote for Obama, the "black Muslim in the White House." (FACT CHECK: Obama is not a Muslim.)

We've long known that Madonna was part of the nefarious gay agenda, but a group of anti-gay Russian "activists" are now pursuing legal action.