So The City was on last night. The Hills spin-off is maturing into its idiocy, now that three episodes have come trundling out of the gate. Things happened! Let's talk about 'em.

Um... Whitney was asked to host a Wonder Woman party at the clothes store and Olivia was mad and bitchy about it. The straight guy who looks like an old man and who works at the clothes store with everyone else went out to lunch with Whitney. The Wonder Woman party looked boring but it was funny that Cousin Nevan showed up and said that he'd been in Florida for five days. Maybe he was trying to get his nob gobbled by a secret policewoman? Let's hope. So, um, yeah Whitney went on a date with your dad and then she had sad kangaroo dinner with Jay. Jay said "are you trying to make me jealous?" and Whitney blinked at him for a while and then a computer motherboard fell out of her face and God yelled "cut!"

Also bumping into each other and making random sounds like some large installation at your local science museum were Carly Britannia van Cleefingmitzner (I am of the opinion that this is a more interesting name than Erin Williams) and her Canadian boyfriend from Canadian New York, Toronto. He wanted to move to actual New York and Pope Ashley San Clemente was a bit like "I dunnoooooooooooo" and then he went back to the Great Frozen North on his dog sled and the cameras went swirly and somewhere back in history FDR stood up in the hot tub, on his own two legs like in that horrible Pearl Harbor movie!, and yelled "Eureka!" before falling back down dead, sinking into the Epsomy waters of Warm Springs.

Back at Whitney's Jetsons house aerie, Australia came over and poured huge glasses of wine and then pissed himself and then asked Whitney if they could go steady. Because, you see, he didn't like that Whitney went on a date with your dad. He wants to be the only man in Whitney's life, the only person to butter her muffin and scrape her artichoke leaf with his two front teeth. (These are euphemisms for sexual acts!) They are happy that they have taken the next step together, and all it took was for Whitney to have a fake conversation at fake work with her fake friend about her fake lover and for Australia to go to his boyfriend's restaurant and chat with him on camera and then go make out in the back wait station. It's nice, you know, that love can just work like that sometimes. So simple and pure and warm.

So yeah, that was The City. We'll close the big old book now that this chapter is finished.

Next time we'll read about Australia's boyfriend getting in trouble with his silly girlfriend, who whines "whenever I'm out of town do you have to have drunk parties with random girls?" And then all he says "I'm sorry, honeyyyyyy" in this pathetic whiny voice and then every straight boy, aged 14-40, practically shits himself laughing and slaps his forehead and says "you stupid motherfucker" and then they put on Bromance, because straight dudes watch that show. Right?