Too often, random people contact us, begging to be covered as fameballs. What they don't realize is that fameballdom is an organic process. This guide will help your effort to become ubiquitous and despicable:

Here's what you DO need:

  • An unquenchable desire for fame: Obviously. It is what drives all fameballs.
  • Shamelessness: Your desire for fame must be greater than that voice in your head screaming, "Stop; you look like an idiot."
  • A lack of redeeming talents: This isn't the Nobel Prize, okay? If you're a shameless fame whore but you also, say, cured cancer, one could argue that your talent is being properly appreciated. This will not do.
  • An abundance of non-redeeming talents: These may include, but are not limited to: oversharing, self-regard, delusions of grandeur, superficial physical attractiveness, a ridiculous distinctive personal fashion trademark, the ability to talk about oneself without end, conspicuously false modesty, and sluttiness and/or man-whorishness.

Sounds easy, right? Wrong! Any of the following things can kill your budding fameball career faster than you can say "Why yes, I would like to appear on Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld tonight!"

  • Growing a conscience: It can happen to the worst of them. Instant death.
  • A desire for meta-fameballdom rather than actual fameballdom: This is the key mistake that people make when they come directly to us, begging for coverage. We're talking to you, lady who keeps sending us emails billing herself as "The next Julia Allison." You see, while we do grow and cultivate fameballs, it's absolutely essential that those fameballs are not seeking our approval; they must dream of stardom (even micro-stardom) in the outside world, not simply with a knowing wink on Gawker. A fameball's famelust must be their undoing, not their doing. If you're deserving, we'll find you.
  • Being a one-trick pony: Lots of people do embarrassing fameball-like things from time to time. But do they have the staying power to keep plumbing ever-greater depths of self-abasement? Only the greatest do.

Keep trying, Stephen Cavanagh.