New York City's primary election is today! As in, right now! And for most offices in this town, this is the de facto general election. Polls close at 9pm, so you even have time to hit happy hour beforehand.

It has been a depressing primary season, full of uninspiring hacks! Many candidates are people who thought they would be term limited out of their city council jobs, and then they were not, but it was too late to not run for whatever they decided to run for. The Democrats basically conceded the Mayoral race, even though this is basically a wonderful time to be running against an out-of-touch billionaire. (Sigh.) So we understand that it is not very exciting, but you should still probably go to your local middle school or whatever and vote. Because if you don't, Liberty will disappear! Check out this awesome animated gif from the Board of Elections website!

As for who to vote for? Christ, who knows.

Comptroller

This is a very important job! This person takes care of the city budget. The Working Families Party has endorsed John Liu, who seems fine, whatever, but he said he worked in a sweatshop when he was a child and that turned out to be made-up, and who the fuck makes that up?

New York Tumblrers have endorsed Melinda Katz, who has the best commercials, but she has taken more money from scumbag developers than anyone else, and that is lame. Also she was a Clinton delegate but she claimed she voted for Obama in the primaries until someone was like "what?" and she was like "nevermind." WTF, Melinda?

The Times endorsed David Yassky. He is the only candidate from Brooklyn and not Queens! He has complained about the G train! But RFK Jr. and Chuck Schumer also endorsed him, for what that is worth.

So, hell, this one's up to you.

Public Advocate

This is like the shadow-mayor, or something. This person's job is to annoy Michael Bloomberg—and on that count, Betsy Gotbaum has been a failure. So there is Mark Green, who was very good at bothering Giuliani, but he has just been hanging out on TV doing nothing ever since he was not allowed to be Mayor, before 9/11. There is Bill de Blasio, who won the Times endorsement. But is he too close to corrupt unions? And the Working Families Party, which is having some issues with their accounting, at the moment? There is Eric Gioia, who is some punk kid. How about Normal Siegel? He is the former head of the New York Civil Liberties Union and he is basically a pretty good guy. He receives the coveted Gawker Endorsement.

Manhattan District Attorney

Billion-year-old zombie DA Robert Morgenthau decided Cy Vance Jr. should be the next Manhattan DA, and that is a good reason not to support Cy Vance Jr. Leslie Crocker Snyder has always been a little too zealously "lock 'em all up" for our bleeding heart, and she used to enjoy killing people a little too much. Richard Aborn, the third candidate, will not win. In this race, Gawker endorses moving to Brooklyn.

City Council

Just indiscriminately vote against any and all incumbents.

If you live in City Council Distict 33, why not vote for Steve Levin? When he attended Brown, he played drums with MGMT! How awesome is that! (Or vote for Evan Thies who is less entangled in the filthy DEMOCRATIC MACHINE.)