Levi Johnston is coming. Not to dinner with Sarah Palin, but to the pages of Playgirl. The pictures have now been taken, and a detail-laden missive from the Dr. Frankenstein of Playgirl, Daniel Nardicio, has been whipped out for us.

The entire press release is below, but first, some, uh, "highlights":

  • The headline, or whatever you'd call it in this case: "Playgirl Levi Johnston shoot "in the can" says Playgirl spokesman Daniel Nardicio" He wishes.

  • Johnston was put into three "different scenarios" that are "accentuating" what Nardico referred to as his "(natural) athletic qualities, movie star looks and natural sexiness." So, what? A hockey rink, a horse stable, and an oil rig, right?

  • Wrong! They decided against the hockey rink because it wasn't "intimate" enough. But remember, he will still have posed with a hockey stick.

  • Apparently, Johnston was self-conscious about the shape he was in "due to all the traveling" he's been doing, but was lots of fun on the second day.

  • This, from some Playgirl marketing person: "...We were talking in the greenroom about gay categories: bear, cubs and Levi asked what his type would be-we decided a twink, but older, so we anointed him a 'twunk'." I just, I have no idea. I have no idea.

  • "Playgirl is planning a line of Levi Johnston condoms, a DVD of the week with Levi, and a return to celebrity interviews in the now quarterly magazine." There were also jokes made about how Levi should've used a condom before. Except, not, because then he wouldn't have his cock in full view in Playgirl.

  • Levi said Palin's invite to dinner was bullshit, or "a nice gesture but she didnt [sic] mean it".

  • The best part: "As to just how much Johnston showed during the shoot, what exact specifics of the shoot are, Playgirl subscribers are going to have to wait for the late November release of the pics on Playgirl.com." Yes, because none of us can surmise that Levi only has one thing Playgirl's readers want to see, and it's not his SAT2 score.

The release is fairly spastic and insane. The best is that it comes from Daniel Nardico Productions, and Daniel Nardico is quoted in it several times. So he interviewed himself. Bizarre, but okay. Also, Johnston drew his hand for an AIDS charity, wonderful. But here's the part that gets to me:

"He's just a simple guy, thrown into a situation, making the most out of it and seemingly enjoying himself. From my time with him, I'd say his first priority is Tripp", adds Nardicio.

Maybe he is. But the overwhelming sentiment I got from the Fleshbot Awards where Levi accepted some crazy penis trophy was "sad."

A lot of people found Levi's presence to be just plain sad. Here's this guy, he's in the big city, surrounded by big city people who are fascinated with him. Why?

Is it because of his inextricable link to one of liberalism's biggest enemies? Or the sexual freedom he represents by embracing his current status as a boyish sex symbol in the pages of GQ and Playgirl? Or is it because this all carries some kind of strangely ironic, trashy cachet, as if to tell the rest of America, conservative, liberal, or otherwise: this person who got a girl pregnant, who's now become a New York media darling, we can do this. We can choose these people and this kid who's otherwise just a good looking teen dad, we've opened up the waterways of fame for him. And we have! Or maybe it's just that nobody even moderately famous has been so enthusiastic to show their penis to everyone else. Right now, Levi Johnston has the most famous penis since Lady Gaga, who had the most famous penis since Dirk Diggler. That said, listen to the audio. He does sound a little morose. And sadness runs deep.

Whatever it is, Levi's in the driver's seat of a very fast car, and so far, he's rounding the track at a very fast pace. Here's hoping the kid'll slow down and hop out soon. If he crashes, it's his fault, but it's just not something anyone wants to see, you know? He seems like a nice kid.

Daniel Nardicio Promotions
November 14, 2009
For immediate release

Playgirl Levi Johnston shoot "in the can" says Playgirl spokesman Daniel Nardicio

Yesterday Playgirl finished it's much hyped shoot of Sarah Palin babydaddy "son-in-law" Levi Johnston in 3 locations in NYC.

The shoot featured Johnston in 3 different scenarios accentuating his natural "athletic qualities, movie star looks and natural sexiness" says Nardicio

"he expressed some concern that he wasnt in as good shape as he was a few weeks ago, due to all his traveling" states Nardicio, "but we found him to be in great shape, playful, and on the second day particularly, really fun."

Johnston took time to outline his hand for LifeBeat Aids Charity, and to do a few interviews throughout the grueling day, with both Entertainment Tonights Fran Weinstein and Playgirl Editor in Chief Nicole Caldwell.

Johnston spoke of how Palin was "full of it" during Oprahs interview (to air Monday, and ET will tape Johnston watching it) and Palin's half hearted invite on Oprah to Thanksgiving dinner was "a nice gesture but she didnt mean it".

Nardicio spoke at length with Johnston during the week and found him to be a "man of few words, but when he spoke, it was usually funny, or adorable even".

The locations of the shoot were the Cooper Square Hotel, photographer Greg Weiner's studio in the East Village and Eagle's Nest studios on West 30th street. "We decided against the hockey rink as it was so public, not intimate enough" says Nardicio.

As to just how much Johnston showed during the shoot, what exact specifics of the shoot are, Playgirl subscribers are going to have to wait for the late November release of the pics on Playgirl.com

Nardicio and Johnston developed somewhat of a rapport, and the openly gay promoter and Playgirl Marketing guy states: "we were talking in the greenroom about gay categories: bear, cubs and Levi asked what his type would be-we decided a twink, but older, so we anointed him a 'twunk' ".

"He's just a simple guy, thrown into a situation, making the most out of it and seemingly enjoying himself. From my time with him, I'd say his first priority is Tripp", adds Nardicio.

As to who is next for Playgirl, Nardicio answers: "I've been speaking to a few people, but of course this will be a hard act to follow. Re-envisioning a classic brand takes some planning, and we still have a lot to do with the Levi material. But this experience with Levi has opened some great doors for Playgirl to get guys who were impossible to get before." "Suddenly guys who would never consider PG are coming up to me and saying 'Make me a Levi' " adds Nardicio.

Playgirl is planning a line of Levi Johnston condoms, a DVD of the week with Levi, and a return to celebrity interviews in the now quarterly magazine.

"we're already hearing the Johnston condom jokes- about how he should have used them before."

Starting Monday November 16th, Entertainment Tonight will be showing background footage from the shoot, debuting pics from the shoot, and interviews with Johnston, Tank Jones (Johnston's manager) Nardicio, and Levi's workout leading up to the shoot.

Levi has fielded offers this week for press, Howard Stern, Joy Behar Show and The Daily Show.

Oh, fuck it, fine. Here. This one's for the "ladies."

lllustration by Steven Dressler. Bottom image via Getty]