The world is falling apart! Water is full of feces, debt is collossal, sex offenders are running rife, six-packs abs are a sham and no-one updates Wikipedia any more. A look at today's front pages gives us two solutions though.

We should all move to Ethiopia, or catch enormous fish from tiny boats — stories about farming in Africa and tuna fishing from kayaks are pretty well the only bright spots. It's one of those days where there's no clear lead story. The only theme is doom and gloom; maybe the editors have seen 2012, or read Going Rogue, and are so fearful for the future that they feel they must warn us. Even the princess and pauper story of the Upper East Side model who fought her neighbors to marry a staffer at her building has a nasty twist. There's always tomorrow...

Disclosure: I freelance write and report for newspapers that are included in this roundup. Where there is a direct conflict of interest I will make it clear.

The New York Times: has some cheery financial news - the enormous quantity of debt the US must service will cost $700bn a year, and some cheery water-quality news too, that is best summed up in a quote: "untreated feces and industrial waste started spilling from emergency relief valves." The NFL is responding to a spate of recent stories on the brain-damage football can cause, there's a test case for terrorism detainees, Chuck Rangel is defiant and this man thought it would be a good idea to catch 157lb bluefin tuna from a kayak.

The Washington Post: contrasts the startlingly obvious with the completely unexpected above the fold - the public option is contentious in the healthcare debate and Western nations are flocking to get farmland in Ethiopia. There's a dramatic tale about the difficulty of tracking sex offenders (is there any other kind?), a study on the Moonies and more conflicts of interest may arise in congress now lawmakers have bigger stock portfolios.

The LA Times: is the paper that loves drugs. About three days a week they run with a drug story. They also love pictures of men with guns, and today's accompanies an Afghanistan story. While the Post have news that Ethiopia is blooming, the LAT reports struggles for Egyptian farmers. There's a slighty interesting new way to look at the vote-gathering for healthcare reform and the cunning stunts mall owners in California will go to to attract customers.

The Wall Street Journal: if in doubt, and you can't think of a clear, clever headline, always alliterate. And the world is still falling aparthee, in new ways: fears of a W-shaped recession (two dips) may be well-founded, spray tans can give you a fake six pack and no-one updates Wikipedia any more.

The New York Post: takes its turn to lead with a the kind of gruesome, dramatic crime that the city seems to specialize in.

The Daily News: have given the Upper East Side model who was lionized for marrying a staffer at her building a lesson in media backlashes.

Montgomery Advertiser: we have to go to Alabama for a positive story, accompanied by a picture to warm the cockles of your heart. And an opportunity to dig this out of the archives.

The Gleaner (Jamaica): if this is not the best newspaper name ever, I don't know what is. They do not report. They glean. They also probably accumulate, amass, ascertain, conclude, cull, deduce, extract, garner, gather, harvest, learn, pick, reap, select, sift and winnow, according to a list of synonyms. Good newspaper names all!