The Time 5WPR Had a Nasty Ladies Room

6.29K

Hamilton Nolan

12/16/09 02:32PM

Filed to: internal memos

It's a Christmas miracle: a tipster has forwarded us a historic May, 2007 internal staff email from our favorite public relations powerhouse, 5WPR. It seems someone (ladies) could not keep the poop flushed and the tampons put away properly.

From: [5WPR staffer]
To: "Email-Everyone"
Date: Mon, 21 May 2007 13:18:56 -0400
Subject: Bathroom - Last Warning
Whoever took a dump in the ladies room between this morning and now needs to go back in the bathroom to flush the toilet. In addition, the other stall has the flap on the tampon box open.
This is the absolute last time I'll be asking the ladies in this office to have proper bathroom etiquette before we have locks installed in the bathroom and a sign in sheet for every time you use it.
I've got everyone on this e-mail copied, including Ronn [Torossian] and Adam because it's beyond me why as professional women we don't know how to keep the bathrooms in order for our colleagues, clients and potential new clients to use. How many times do I have to ask?
Again, this is the last warning.
Pick up after yourself, close the tampon box, wipe, clean and flush. If the toilet paper our hand soap runs out, please let Christine Garabedian know.
Thanks.
All the Best,
[5WPR staffer]

The following replies are approved. To see additional replies that are pending approval, click Show Pending. Warning: These may contain graphic material.

BettyCrocker Hamilton Nolan 12/16/09 02:40PM

I blame Ronn(sic) for The Tampon Incident.

deleted BettyCrocker 12/16/09 02:44PM

@BettyCrocker: I found the hole story absorbing.

H Blix deleted 12/16/09 02:46PM

@scroll_lock: I, for one, am in shock (toxic).

deleted H Blix 12/16/09 02:47PM

@blix: In the mood for word Play, Tex?

deleted H Blix 12/16/09 02:48PM

@blix: Come over to my pad and discuss.

AndPreciousLittleofThat Hamilton Nolan 12/16/09 02:46PM

Sigh...there are times when I wish Americans had the same fetish for euphemism as our British counterparts.

Maybe it's just me, but starting a company-wide email with the phrase "whoever took a dump in the ladies room" isn't very businesslike.

RollsRoyceRevenge AndPreciousLittleofThat 12/16/09 02:58PM

@AndPreciousLittleofThat: Are you kidding me? The British version of this would run something along the lines of "which one of you faaaaaaaakin' cunts left a Tom Squitter in the loo?"

AndPreciousLittleofThat RollsRoyceRevenge 12/16/09 03:06PM

@RollsRoyceRevenge: See, I would COMPLETELY prefer that to the original email.

Heh...Tom Squitter.

GuatemalanPeasantSoup RollsRoyceRevenge 12/16/09 03:08PM

@RollsRoyceRevenge: @AndPreciousLittleofThat: You're both relying on stereotypes. The British would do nothing because of their stiff upper lips.

i'm a bottle AndPreciousLittleofThat 12/16/09 05:15PM

@AndPreciousLittleofThat: This is how I would have written it:

For some time, the bold artistic experiments of a young employee at our firm have come to our attention. This high-minded bohemian has chosen not the light of renown but the noble path of anonymity, a lone woman toiling in the dark of a dank water closet in the pursuit of elevating the base to the sublime. The rawness of the work, the unabashed suspension of quotidian jetsam in a porcelain bowl, has awed even the most jaded of unwitting visitors who have happened onto it; it being, of course, an object the majority of humanity — depending on age, diet and medical condition — makes use of every day. Discussion was vigorous as to what it all meant. It seemed to lack any sort of semiotic value; however, slowly, the threads of meaning gradually coalesced, and we were left with some contradictory notions which we could submit to the public discourse. What some of us have to come to agree upon is that the piece (—or more aptly, pieces) is a felicitous marriage of the cathartic sublimity of Chris Ofiliel to the cheeky recontextualising tendencies of Marcel Duchamp. In a word: brilliant.

Happily, in the same venue, there is another piece that none-too-subtly makes reference to ancient female fertility rites in its attempt to fly in the face of some of the more humorous — to us moderns — proscriptions contained in Leviticus. It is a first-rate comment on modern gender theory. Speaking for us all: we left in astonishment.

Unfortunately, I have the regrettable duty to also speak to the concerns of a minority of our employees. Be it a result of the vestigial remnants of a bourgeois religious sensibility or a mere philistinism, the public response was not overwhelmingly positive. Telephone conversations were initiated. E-mails were exchanged. Angry arguments and hateful rejoinders ensued. Therefore, with great displeasure, in an effort to preserve accord and harmony among both camps, it has been decided by the upper echelons of management, after a long serious of negotiations, to ask the anonymous artist to end her experiments at this office. I realise this may come as a disappointment to some of us, but please try to understand the mentality of some of your colleagues which serves to make such forward-looking experimentation on the office premises problematic.

I wish you the warmest of holiday greetings.

Sincerely yours,

[redacted]

RollsRoyceRevenge Hamilton Nolan 12/16/09 02:39PM

Who's betting that Christine Garabedian is going to have a couple tough months of late night calls over this?

pollyannacowgirl RollsRoyceRevenge 12/16/09 03:16PM

@RollsRoyceRevenge: I was wondering why they could name Christine but not the sender. No fair.

spinmaster pollyannacowgirl 12/17/09 12:32PM

@pollyannacowgirl: because it was probably some poor receptionist that was forced to air Torossian's tirade. anyways his emails only start with WTF or you stupid cunt

BettyCrocker Hamilton Nolan 12/16/09 03:01PM

deleted BettyCrocker 12/16/09 03:03PM

@BettyCrocker: Is this a double bill with the Vagina Monologues?

BettyCrocker deleted 12/16/09 03:06PM

@scroll_lock: And the Vibrator show!