As if life wasn’t hard enough for Chris Christie, adult errand boy for the Trump campaign reduced to begging for a VP spot he was never even in the running for, the Cruz campaign has joined in on the fun.

I mean...

It’s a bird—it’s a plane—it’s old man Jeb and he’s going off script again.

This week, a Texas school system had a Muslim teenager arrested for building a clock. But for residents of Irving, TX the school’s knee jerk reaction probably wasn’t much of a surprise—after all, this is a school board that once requested a study to ensure its curriculum wasn’t too pro-Islam.

Penn State administrators announced Wednesday that a fraternity that maintained a well-curated secret Facebook page full of pictures of unconscious, naked women will lose its official recognition until 2018, pretty much ruining senior year.

Hey man, it’s your life, but I’m like a professional internet person and I thought this was pretty gnarly. Maybe you already saw it on Reddit or something, in which case the damage is done, but if not, just do yourself a favorite and watch this instead:

This week, members of the University of Florida’s Zeta Beta Tau fraternity are being investigated for allegedly spitting on a group of wounded war veterans, then stealing the veterans’ American flags and peeing on them. But this is only the most literal way in which frat boys are pissing on America. Fraternity guys love to pee. On anything, anywhere.

Today's sign that The End Is Near: A Florida man makes vape liquid out of (something he claims is) his friend's semen, then inhales it and blows forth a mighty jizz cloud. This herald of the apocalypse, ID'd only as "Brad," claims he's "the first man ever to vape semen." He was reportedly paid $68 for the seminal act. (Why not make it $69? ;) )

In celebration of the almost-annual winter return of the McRib, McDonald's dropped a few videos today that purport to reveal the secrets of everyone's favorite barbecue sauce-covered restructured pork item. They do, kind of.

Actress and former porn performer Sasha Grey guest stars in the latest installment of Machinima's "Creepy Text Theatre," where people reenact some of the worst sexts ever sent—full of terrible puns, abject begging for nude pics, and pick-up lines so formal that you can smell the fedora-sweat through the phone.

A Scottish woman thought her nosebleeds were caused by a motorbike accident. She was horrifyingly wrong.

A Minnesota hardware store employee has been arrested after admitting that he repeatedly jerked off on a coworker's desk, ejaculating into her coffee, because he was attracted to her and wanted her to notice him.

Who cares that bunch of bugs are eating northern Texas alive? You do, because they're called hackberry nipple-gall maker insects.

Good morning. Have you eaten yet? Good. Let's talk cockroach farming.

British men between the ages of 18 and 25 on average change their sheets about four times a year.

Do you have a pencil in your head right now? Probably not, right? Oh right, you have no way of knowing. The AP reports that doctors from Aachen University Hospital in Germany have just announced the successful removal of a four-inch pencil from the head of an Afghan man who spent 15 years blithely unaware that there was a pencil fully inside of him. (The extraction was performed in 2011, but the details of the case were just made public at a medical conference.)

Here's a disgusting new way to make Baby healthier: Instead of being an uptight parent who uses dishwashers or soap or basic hygiene, try "cleaning" your infant's gross pukey pacifier by sticking that thing in your mouth and sucking away.

The latest terrible fake food scandal from China resulted in more than 900 arrests after criminal meat processors sold the chemical-soaked flesh of rats and foxes as "lamb meat." As more Chinese demand a daily supply of dead farm animals as food, crafty criminals are butchering and processing anything that moves.

Florida has a new problem: Giant African land snails. The snails, which can grow as large as rats, were first discovered in South Florida by a homeowner in 2011, according to the Florida Department of Agriculture. Since then over 117,000 have been found and more than a thousand more are caught each week.

When Luis Brignoni, a 41-year-old Florida Man, heard screams from his backyard, he went outside to discover a terrible scene: his 11-year-old son, Fernando, screaming and bloody-handed as his older son, 13-year-old Luis Jr, stood nearby, beating the family dog over the head with a stick. The dog, a Malamute-wolf mix named Sassy, had just bitten off Fernando's finger and was holding it in its mouth. Brignoni approached the dog to retrieve the severed digit but by that time it was too late – Sassy had swallowed the little finger.