Food Network has finally made a cooking competition show worth watching. After torturing us for years with abysmal characters and judges on The Next Food Network Star, they finally show some balls with The Worst Cooks in America.

Most people can do at least one thing good in a kitchen. A dish that they can make, or they can grate cheese, or know how to slice vegetables. Not only do these people have no idea how to do anything in the kitchen, but they are completely clueless as what is even supposed to occur in a kitchen. Peanut butter and octopus genital roll-ups? Sure! Should I dice this onion with these tongs that are on fire? OK! It really is quite depressing, and I pity anyone who has been subjected to their "cooking" before.

The premise of the show isn't bad either. Two professional chefs as judges/captains, and 12 terrible chefs. They teach them how to make a dish each week, they must replicate it, worst dish is eliminated. Simple, to the point, inherent conflict. I'm on board.

Chef Beau MacMillan, who has a restaurant in...Phoenix? Sure, why not. Well he's the blue team's captain. And he is from Boston. And he will NO DOUBT instill a wicked retahhded work ethic in his team. Except for David, that guy is just awful.

But let's not forget about the red team! Their captain—Mario Batali's longtime right-hand woman Anne Burrell—is emerging from the rotund redhead's very large shadow with THREE current Food Network shows. And being the judge for the red team, she must deal with some gross incompetence. And a lot of emotions. Because not only can they not follow simple directions from Anne, but they cry whenever they mess up. Which is constantly. I can't sear this steak—sniffle—I under-seasoned my vegetables—whimper—I severed my finger—WAAAAAAHHH! Maybe if they seasoned their vegetables with their alligator tears, things might have turned out better.

Anyway, Anne hates one girl in particular. And that is Jennifer the Pin-Up Girl. Anne HATES her. She picks on her, makes an example of her, and generally tries to make her life miserable. What's the motivation is behind this? It's easy (and lazy) to throw out random conjecture, so we won't...in future posts.

More than likely Anne was picked on at school by the cool crowd that smoked Marlboro mediums and listened to Poison and had unprotected sex with each other during study hall. Because of them, she became an outcast throughout her formative years and would exact revenge. So instead of going to college, she went to culinary school, vowed to become a celebrity chef, spent years toiling under Mario Batali, got her big break, hosted a reality show with bad cooks, strong-armed the producers to put Jennifer on the show because she reminded her of one of the bullies from high school, and made it a point to torture her as much as possible on national television.

Here's Anne simply torturing Jennifer, and Jennifer trying to fight back.

In the end, Cryin' Kelly cried her way off the show. Her effective blend of complete incompetence and rollercoaster emotions (mostly crying) sealed her fate.