It all started when Will.i.am got a microphone; it got worse when Ryan Seacrest told a joke. Tiger Woods' yacht docks, Charlize Theron gets a divorce, Mary J. Blige throws a tantrum. Monday gossip roundup, at your service.

  • Sony exec Clive Davis hosted a horrifically awkward Grammy's party. First, Will.i.am warmed the crowd by promising to stay in biz even as it collapsed: "There ain't no Tower Records, ain't no Sam Goody, but I don't give a [bleep]." Which is awkward because those companies still exist. Then Will.i.am yelled at everyone for being boring: "These are the elite motherfuckers of the music industry, but y'all are acting like some motherfuckers!" Then Mary J. Blige yelled at the band for messing up No More Drama and Ryan Seacrest made a toast about Clive having big ears but "not a single thing he said got a laugh." Gerard Butler flirted with everyone except his date, Sadifer Aniston. And we haven't even gotten to whether anyone asked Rihanna inappropriate questions about last year. [P6] [Gatecrasher]
  • BREAKING. Tiger Woods' yacht—the ever-amusingly named Privacy—came to port yesterday at Old Port Cove in North Palm Beach. TMZ has pictures and a witness who "saw the yacht being loaded with food and supplies." If Tiger's in sex rehab, then who is on the yacht? Elin? Jamie Jungers? Or maybe fake-Tiger was real and real-Tiger isn't in rehab at all? Tiger Woods' publicist should write mystery novels. [TMZ]
  • Rob Schneider appeared to get married last night, but his publicist denies it. TMZ is going with "walks like a duck." I'm going with sex rehab in a diamond-studded yacht. [TMZ]
  • Speaking of nuptials: Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are engaged. Dax popped the question over the holidays, and Kristen debuted her ring on the Grammy's red carpet. [Us]
  • Speaking of divorce: (implied in every Hollywood marriage conversation) Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend are no more. A ring rang in this news as well: "Close friends" knew trouble was brewing when Charlize stopped wearing the "antique 'commitment ring'" Stuart gave her. [DailyMail]
  • The movie version of Nicholas Sparks' Dear John has a happier ending, due to an "added scene" that leaves "more possibility of what might happen." Just like Bambi. Mama deer was just lying down for a nap. [P6]
  • Upcoming Haiti benefits: BET's telecast will star Diddy, Queen Latifah, Pharrell, and Wyclef Jean. Then, an NFL super agent will raise funds for Wyclef's charity, via a party featuring Justin Timberlake, Kim Kardashian, Donovan McNabb, and Nelly. Doubts about Wyclef's charity's efficacy will be taken in stride and summarily ignored. [P6]
  • Michael Jackson kids Prince Michael and Paris have made it known that they want to be part of the new We Are the World recording, to benefit Haiti. The recording is happening today. Unclear whether the Jacko heirs will get their wish, though it's hard to imagine anyone saying no. [NBN]
  • Elton John saved Donatella Versace's life: Unauthorized biography House of Versace says Donatella's daughter Allegra's eighteenth birthday party was but an elaborate ruse for Elton to stage an intervention and ship Donatella off to rehab in Arizona. Which is great for Donatella, but what about Allegra? Thanks for nothing, Uncle Elton. That party sucked. [Gatecrasher]