The moment all of you (with Hunky Alaskan Man-Game Fetishes) have been waiting for is here: Levi Johnston's Playgirl Cover. Remember where you are right now, so you can tell your kids, or something. Here, I've made it pretty.

Over at Jezebel, they have a feature called Cover Lies, where they go into the LIES of magazine covers, who do nothing but lie. I've made my own special Cover Lies: Levi Johnston Playgirl Edition!

No? How about the LOLCAT Levi Johnston Playgirl cover?

Well, tragically, magazine covers were the original LOLcats, so that one doesn't work either. But you know what does? SPARKLEPOWER!

Everytime. Every. Single. Time. Still not enough for you? Fine. Here. You want penis, you've got penis.

There. Now hopefully, Levi Johnston can get down to the business of revealing the secrets about Sarah Palin he's only vaguely alluded to in interviews but has been too busy hiding his penis from the eight people who actually give a shit about it to get down to. Gay men, tell me: what does this do for you? Anything? Ladies: does this kind of thing get you off? Because all it does for me is make me sad. It makes me kind of sad and melon-collie and makes me think that here's this teen dad who's being exploited, who's okay with being exploited because he's an idiot and doesn't know any better, or maybe he does which is even worse, because he knows exactly how fleeting all of this is, and this is probably going to be his peak for a while, that this celebrity, this thing he once had that New York threw at him is such bullshit, this patronizing care, you know? Nobody cares. How can you not feel sad about this? Especially since we don't get to talk about his dick, because we're never going to see it, because it's hidden in his Alaskan DickIgloo. And that, right there, is the most pleasure Levi johnston will ever give me: an excuse to say the word "DickIgloo." That's it.