Valentine's day approaches. Everyone wants to have sex. Quick: there's only five more days to work yourselves into a frothy state of arousal! Luckily, the Times helps us out with a sexxxy prix fixe menu. Main course? Love. Also, doughnuts.

This article about the "hunt for an edible equivalent of Viagra" convinced us you'd be better off just procuring some real Viagra. Why do you need to eat all these weird foods to fuel your boners and whatever is the female equivalent of the boner; science has fixed this! (Well, not the female equivalent of the boner—they're working on it, though.) Given our advanced pharmacological knowledge, hunting for the best food aphrodisiacs these days makes as much sense as hunting for the best food to cure polio.

But if you insist on going the culinary route, here are what various experts and ancient peoples cited in this New York Times article have to suggest. These foods' aphrodisiac qualities can roughly be divided into three categories: Chemical, shape and texture, and WTF?

Chemical

  • Oysters (contains zinc, which increases sperm production)
  • Garlic (increases bloodflow)
  • Chili peppers (spiciness quickens pulse)


Shape and Texture

  • Oysters (slurping is sexy)
  • cucumbers (looks like a peen)
  • asparagus (looks like a weird peen)
  • figs (looks like a vag)
  • guacamole (all smeary and gross, like the best sex)


WTF

  • Doughnuts and licorice (men)
  • lavender and pumpkin pie (men)
  • baby powder (women)
  • Good & Plenty candy and cucumber (women)
  • Good & Plenty and banana nut bread (women)

Bon appetit!