Please, stop telling us things we already know about the cast of the Jersey Shore. It's not surprising that Snooki has nude pictures or that Ronnie snorts coke. Here are the only really surprising things we could learn about them.

Just about every day one tabloid outlet or another is letting us know all the disgraceful things that the guidos from Jersey Shore are up to. Guess what, we're sick of hearing about it, because it's not like you're telling us anything we didn't assume in the first place. We watched this group fuck, fight, and fondle their way through a summer worth of drunkenness on national television. I am not shocked that JWOWW posed topless or that Ronnie is a homophobe. In fact, it's quite expected.

Don't report these things like they're some kind of fucking revelation to us. There are only a few things that we could learn that would shock us. Here are the headlines that would really be worth reading.

  • Jersey Shore's Vinny Guadagnino Left out of Will by Billionaire Italian Count Uncle
  • The Situation Arrested for Discovering a New Form of Anabolic Steroid in Secret Basement Lab
  • Snooki's Biological Parents Revealed: Prince Renier of Monaco and Nobel-Prize Winning Chilean Botanist
  • Sammi Sweatheart Hoarding over 100 Overdue Library Books
  • Angelina "Trash Bags" Uses Appearance Money to Fund Orphan Relief in Haiti
  • DJ Paulie D's Ex: 'His Dick Is Too Big'
  • CFDA Embroiled in Ballot-Stuffing Scandal after WOWW by JWOWW Fails to Win Award
  • Bill Keller's Mistress Is Ronnie Magro from Jersey Shore