The jazz hands admissions video was much friendlier than this. Yale's newest videographic extravaganza demonstrates how, halfway through senior year, the Yale Alumni Club uses Stockholm Syndrome to impound new members with physical intimidation and deadly weapons.

As is the time-honored tradition at snooty universities, as soon as a student finishes going hundreds of thousands of dollars into debt (or impoverishing his parents) to be there, he is expected to begin bequeathing the university with charitable donations. To make this happen, the university deploys the kids who painted their faces with the school colors and screamed like banshees at football games to panhandle and otherwise harass their peers. It's the price of being part of the club, and it is for the good of future generations' libraries, scholarships, etc., you see. Like a gang: Blood in, blood out. But the blood is money, and you'll earn it back on Wall Street, then bleed it all out again when your child joins the class of 2032.

American meritocracy is a vicious cycle. But it sure has great production value. [IvyGate]