Salty sailor and homoerotic harasser Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY) recently described a naked confrontation with Rahm Emanuel in the Congressional gym's locker room, where they "don't have shower curtains." They need Extreme Makeover: House of Representatives Edition.

Massa—who either groped or "tickled" male staffers until they accused him of sexual harassment—told a harrowing story about being "naked as a jaybird" in the Congressional shower room, "and here comes Rahm Emanuel not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest and yelling." Which is some people's idea of salty foreplay, but not Eric Massa's: "Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?"

True that. We have independently confirmed that Congress's male locker room lacks shower curtains, rendering the leaders of the free world "naked as a jaybird" for all to see and poke with their fingers. (No word, yet, about the female locker room. Anyone know?) Which is why we are now volunteering to redecorate it. How will they ever reconcile health care if they're busy having gay bacchanalias? (bacchanaliae?) A modest proposal for promoting modesty in elected officials. (Click here to view on one page.)

For the salty sailor who prefers not to be touched: Urban Outfitters' Police Line Shower Curtain, because we all have days when we just need some alone time, when Rahm's luscious ballerina thighs are too much to bear.

For the salty sailor who keeps his secrets bottled up: Target's Las Vegas Shower Curtain says "What happens in Congress's shower room, stays in Congress's shower room."

For the salty sailor who likes to learn new things: These Learn-a-Language Shower Curtains offer 250 words a piece. So many possibilities for secret passwords!

Why tap your toe when you could stomp a hoof? The Western Cowboy Shower Curtain contains the only theme more open to homoerotic innuendo than the Navy.

This Fishbowl Curtain has great potential for camouflaged glory holes, and metaphors about watching and being watched.

For the salty sailor who prefers to communicate nonverbally: Etsy sex position-themed curtains. We've got Eiffel tower, sadomasochism, "Bent Over Dancer Pole Stripper," and prefers to be dominated by obese Republicans.