If this catches on, half of Hollywood's females will fall into poverty. Casting for their fourth Pirates of the Caribbean, Disney specifies that fake breasts are not permitted, and actresses will be subjected to pre-shoot jiggle tests to check.

This, from the New York Post, sounds like the beginning of a porno:

The filmmakers sent out a casting call last week seeking "beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft7in-5ft8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants."

And they warn that there'll be a "show and tell" day.

To make sure LA talent scouts don't get caught in a "booby trap," potential lassies will have to undergo a Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test and jog for judges. If there's nothing moving from the waist up, they're saying, it's a dead giveaway that you're not all flesh and bones—and you're out.

How is that not sexual harassment? On the other hand: Is there any way to prove veracity of breasts without sexually harassing? In case Disney meets any ambiguous jiggle tests, here are a few other ways I have thought of to test for veracity of breasts:

  • Force actresses to answer, "Have you ever met Hugh Hefner?"
  • Compare and contrast lie detector result for "Are your breasts real?" with "Are you a natural blonde?"
  • Introduce the actresses to Donald Trump. Anyone he is attracted to can be eliminated prima facie.
  • You'll have to sign an NDA once you read this, but: Dr. 90210: Silicone Victims Unit

All of this raises a rather perplexing question. Because America loves fake boobs. Entire careers have revolved around fake boobs. So why would Disney ban them from Pirates? First, there's this:

"In the last movie, there were enhanced breasts to give that 18th-century whorish look, and men were pretty well padded too, and no one worried," a former casting agent said. "But times are changing, and the audience can spot false breasts."

Also, there is going to be lots of swimming and diving in this movie, and remember the Road Rules lady who bellyflopped and popped her implant? Do not try Baywatch at home, ladies. [NYPost]