It was the Big Day on America's favorite teen remake of Husbands & Wives last night, with couples breaking up and fighting and maybe some new ones being formed. Oh, plus there was a wedding for some lady.

As we've discussed many times here on these very insightful Gossip Girl recaps, the most important people in the world are rich teenagers with feelings. Never has that sentiment been truer than on last night's episode, in which some poor immigrant's stupid ethnic wedding was occasion for all the girls who gossip and the floppy-haired girls they date to get in fights and feel sad while ruining said wedding.

Yes friends, it was finally the day of Dorota the Maid's wedding, a lavish occasion held in Queens, because ethnics do not get married in Manhattan, for that is too classy and sophisticated a place for them. The ceremony and reception took place in a well-worn lean-to, the ushers were toothlessly grinning hobos of various varietals (your Alleyway Hobo, your elusive Boxcar Hobo, your Muttering Hobo, your Shrieking Hobo, your Crazy Old Lady Dressed Up in Soiled Furs And Dingy Pearls Hobo), and the guests were served delicious tin cans of sardines and cat food. It was the nicest wedding an immigrant has had since two Ethiopians got married in a drainage ditch last summer!

Because they all love a party — a great place to fight and cry and scheme and ignore the guest of honor — the kids showed up in their regal, Manhattan finest, shaming all the unwashed bridal party and family in attendance. Blair was there, wearing a Chuck-related frown and a gold leaf dress. Serena was there in one of Nate's old dresses, rumpled and shifty after a mysterious breakfast date. Jenny was there looking like mustard gas, blinding people and causing Brad Pitt to euthanize the kid from E.T. Rufus (the gossipiest of all the gossip girls) was there in a kilt and a cardigan, desperately calling his wife to find out just where the hell she was. And young Erik was there, done up in a clingy bodysuit, waiting to meet the beloved boy he met last week during Assassin Wars.

The most important part of the evening was a celebrated cultural dance in which guests coupled off and placed a balloon between their crotches. They would dance until the balloon popped, at which time they were hauled off the dance floor and beaten with reeds, as is custom for non-Americans. Blair and Chuck got to dancing and talking about last week's malfeasance with Jack Bass the jackass. Did Blair sleep with Jack to save her lover's hotel? Did Chuck tell Jack he could sleep with Blair to save his hotel? These are the big questions that nobody cares about, so we spent a lot of time last night watching as the pair figured them out. They danced and fought, fought and danced, and eventually Chuck caught sight of a luscious young thing by the punch bowl and, naturally, the crotch balloon popped.

Nate and Serena wedged the balloon on down there and got to talking about the morning's activities. Chuck had told Nate that Serena was with the wicked Carter Baizen, and initially Serena lied about it, but then had to fess up. But she didn't tell him why. See, Carter knows where Serena's daddy be at, and she just had to listen to him. Jenny still wants Nate to flop all over her, so she stared at the dancing pair from across the dance hall, jealous My Little Pony jewel eyes burning bright. Eventually Nate saw Dan in a tux from across the room and the balloon popped.

Off the dance floor, Blair and Chuck decided to have a very public cry fest and they basically broke up in front of all of Dorota's guests, handily ruining the wedding. But I mean, what does it really matter? It was a stupid poor people wedding and Blair was having yet another relationship problem with Chuck! That is big stuff! That is not stuff that can be addressed later, it must be addressed now, at the happiest day of your maid's life. You must disrupt everything to fix your teenage woes. It's just how the world works. So Blair stormed off all sad and Dorota blinked and looked almost angry but then her face turned resigned and she knew that yes, of course, Blair's problems were far more important than her wedding day. She loped off to console the girl while Mrs. Waldorf glared. See her little gnome hubby had told her that he'd bought an apartment (in Queens, of course) for Dorota and Vanya and Mrs. W had been scandalized! Domesthnics don't get houses! Even if they are in Queens! This is outrageous! The gnome looked at her pityingly and said "But Dorota's family, I mean she basically raised Blair." Mrs. W's face went wild with worry and sadness and she went chasing after Blair and Dorota, ready to do... something.

Meanwhile Serena had disappeared to go see the daddy-wizard with Carter, and Nate stood forlornly, his balloon popper badly limp and deflated, his spirits even more so. Finally Jenny walked up to him and said "Wanna dance," and poor Chace Crawford tried his hand at some acting and did a little "Um.... yeah!" thing was like in that "duhhh!" playful tone that people who are annoying use sometimes and it was just very sad. So the pair got to dancing and eventually Jenny looked up at Nate's gleaming porcelain face and, unsettlingly, the balloon popped. Will they get together? Who knows! Oh, probably.

In another room, Dorota comforted Blair, who breezily said "Sorry I ruined your wedding," and Dorota sighed and said "Yeah, whatever. I mean, I'm pretty fucking used to it by now, you know? But whatever." And then, in a sarcastically interested voice, "So... what's going on with you?" And Blair unloaded about how she maybe doesn't lurve Chuckles the way she used to lurve him and what is she to do! Dorota lit a cigarette and said "Look, no one really gives a fuck, but in the interest of solving this useless shit so I can get back to my goddamn wedding, you heinous brat, I'll just say that all I want is you to be happy, I don't care if you're happy with Chuck, I just want you to be happy, OK?" Blair nodded wetly and Dorota said "Good, great, now please cut the shit and let me enjoy the rest of my day. Jesus Christ are you kids awful." Mrs. W watched from the doorway and knew then that Dorota really was family, stern foul-mouthed family, and so she went up the Wallace Shawn gnome and said "Fine, give the white ethnic the keys to her little hovel in Queens, it's the kind thing to do. Now come on, let's go make out in the coatroom, shall we?" And the gnome's balloon, stuck to his crotch by static cling, popped.

Though comforted, Blair was still feeling sad, so she went up to seek the comfort of... Dan! Yes, Dan. He was in a corner doing something with a balloon and when she tapped him on the shoulder he turned around startled and without prompting said "What? Nothing! No, nothing, I'm just, nothing. Balloon!" Blair grimaced and Dan said "Want to dance?" So they did dance. Might they finally be laying the groundwork for one of the last potential hookups of this hideously incestuous group? One can only hope. As he watched Dan dance with Blair, Rufus's balloon popped and he decided to go call Lily. But when he called the Grandma House she was supposedly staying at with Serena's grandma, there was no Lily! Where was she? Where could she be? Only time (about ten minutes) would tell!

Serena was zooming off in a limo with the wicked Carter, headed to the airport to go get on a plane and meet her daddy in Florida. Carter yet again revealed himself to be an asshole who was just trying to get into Serena's sinewy pants, so she kicked him out of the limo and he was promptly shot by ethnic muggers, while Serena puttered off to the airport. Carter lay dead on the street, rigor mortis setting in, his balloon popping.

When Serena landed in Miami she rushed off to the hotel or beachside condo or whatever it was that her dad was supposedly staying at and she knocked on the door. And then who should answer but... Lily! Ohhhhh horrible catballs! Serena's face fell and she slowly farted and Lily was all "Wha? Huh? Who? Here? How? Why?" and we heard the distant sound of a balloon popping, though we aren't sure whose it was. So we'll have to deal with that mystery at some point next week. My guess: Billy Baldwin (who's playing Mr. Serena) has a disease of some kind (Schmendrick's?) and needs to sexily extract Lily's bone marrow in order to cure himself. That's what all those "tests" were about. Or something.

Back at the wedding, Dorota and Vanya's family was shooting guns into the air and drinking jug hooch out of gasoline cans and tossing virgins into a fire and lonely Erik was sitting at a table, wearing a sad party hat and softly mutter-weeping to himself. See the boy he likes, Timothy Roundcheeks, had come to the wedding with a girlfriend! Poor, poor Erik. So he sat there and then he heard a soft plop and looked up and there was Roundcheeks, gazing at him serenely (and Serenaly). "Hi," Erik said through a pout. "Where's your stinky old girlfriend?" "She's gone," Roundcheeks purred. "We got in a fight. I kept telling her about this amazing guy I had met..." Erik's ears perked up. He meant him! "But you like girls," he said normatively. Roundcheeks grinned a lusty baby hyena grin and said, "Yeah, I like girls. But I like boys too." Erik blinked back happy tears. His heart fluttered. His pants... tightened.

And somewhere in Venezuela there was suddenly the sound of Ed Asner screaming in terror as a house fell out of the sky, plummeting faster and faster toward the earth, until it eventually disappeared forever into the churning mists of Angel Falls.

And that's that! No more balloons. Brian, why don't you tell us who caught the power-points bouquet last night.

Thanks, Richard. Usually on Gossip Girl we see fewer bouquets and more deflowering. Speaking of which, last night Little J rallied in the power points while everyone else took a dive.

Dorota:
Family Secrets: Shock! Dorota is a divorcee. Who is her first husband?: +2 (for being intriguing)
Fashion Points: Looks hot out of her maid outfit: +2, Sorry, D, putting a lacey jacket over a yellow sheath does not a wedding dress make: -2, At least the pregnant bride didn't try to wear white: +1
Money: Gets a lavish wedding thanks to Chuck's scheme: +1, Gets a free apartment: +3, It's in Queens, because immigrants apparently aren't allowed to live in Manhattan: -2
Power Play: No matter hold she is or how far away, she still fights with her mother: -1, Wins the balloon game which, for a Russian/Polish tradition seems a lot like a kindergarten game: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Vanya really, really loves her: +2
Social Schemes: She is the only person Blair can't lie to: +2, Takes time away from her own wedding to comfort Miss Blair: -1
Bonus: Wedding Mazel Bonus!: +3
Total: 11
Season to Date: 75
Power Position: Down

Blair:
Fashion Points: Has to wear that ugly dress from last week in Chuck's dream: -1, Her shiny maroon blouse and skirt combo: +2
Personality Flaw: Weakness for weddings: -1
Power Play: Serena can't be bothered to tend to Blair's problems, so she sends Nate instead, like he's the Vice President of the Upper East Side: -2, Takes herself out of the balloon game: -1, Is stuck in the kitchen with Dan Humphrey consoling her: -1, Disses Dan for dating Vanessa: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Chuck somehow convinces her that her justifiable breakup was her fault: -1, The help's relationships make her feel inadequate: -1, She loves Chuck too much? That isn't the problem, B. The problem is that he is an asshole who treated you like a piece of meat and them somehow warped your otherwise nimble mind into thinking that you were the one in the wrong: -3
Social Schemes: Says she wants a boring life without games: -1, Interrupts Dorota's wedding with her own stupid drama: -2
Total: -9
Season to Date: 11
Power Position: Up

Chuck:
Family Secrets: Nate knows what he did to Blair: -1, Knows about Serena and Carter before Nate does: +2
Fashion Points: Pale gray suit at the wedding: +2
Money: Can afford to throw a lavish wedding in two days: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Chuck, you need to shut the fuck up and stop trying to convince Blair she did something wrong. This was all your fault, you nasty, no-good prick. Stop scheming and start apologizing: -4, And then he goes and blows it with Blair a second time by trying to tell her that she's mad over nothing if she didn't sleep with Jack: -3, Find comfort in Russian skanks a foot taller than him: -1
Social Schemes: Devises the "Let's throw a wedding" scheme to get Blair back: +2, It doesn't work: -1
WTF: Only dreams in black and white: -1
Total: -4
Season to Date: 10
Power Position: Up

Eric:
Fashion Points: Apparently there is not one bottle of shampoo anywhere on the UES: -2
Power Play: Stuck hanging out with Jenny: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Doesn't know if his new crush is gay: -1, His man never comes downstairs when he is stalking waiting for him: -1, His man shows up at the wedding: +1, With his girlfriend: -2, But then he comes out as bi: +2, And wants Eric: +2, It never ends well with bi guys: -1
Social Schemes: Lies to Nate for Serena: +1, Gets blocked by Jenny: -2
Total: -4
Season to Date: -1
Power Position: Down

Little Orphan Jenny:
Fashion Points: Nude dress with a crazy boob strap at the wedding: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Leaves Eric alone with a balloon to go chase after Nate: -1, Ends up dancing with Nate, just where she wants to be: +2
Social Schemes: Exposes both Serena and Eric as liars so that she can make kissy faces at Nate: +2, Convinces Nate to go snooping through Serena's purse: +2 This girl has absolutely no boundaries: -1, Secretly loves telling Nate that Serena left with Carter: +2, Doesn't tell Nate Serena called: +2
Total: 6
Season to Date: -7
Power Position: Up

Nate:
Family Secrets: Blair tells him that Chuck used her to get his hotel back: +1, Let's Chuck know he knows: +1
Money: Just how long is he going to surf on Chuck's couch? Can't he afford his own place?: -2
Sexual Intrigue: His lady is stepping out with Carter and lying about it: -1, Even when "confessing" to Nate, Serena is still lying: -2, Serena ignores his ultimatum: -1
Social Schemes:
WTF: Even when Nate has screen time he never actually does anything, he's just being buffeted about by a bunch of girls: -3
Total: -7
Season to Date: -8
Power Position: Up

Rufus:
Fashion Points: The grandpa sweaters are not helping: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Finds out Lily is not staying at Canyon Ranch: +2
Social Schemes: Lily is not returning his calls: -1, His mother-in-law barely disguises her contempt for him by hanging up on him and letting him know she's keeping secrets from him: -3
Total: -3
Season to Date: -21
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Family Secrets: From the big reveal at the end of the episode here are the things that Lily is keeping a secret: She has cancer, her ex is helping her with treatment, she is not sleeping with her ex, she is really a man: +8 (two points for keeping all these hidden for so long)
Power Play: She was barely even in the episode and she was still doing stupid shit: -2
Total: 6
Season to Date: -23
Power Position: Up

Dan:
Fashion Points: A wonderful winter coat: +1
Power Play: He has no friends and not even his own father wants to hang out with him: -2, Actually gives Blair some good advice: +2, Eleanor knows he's not the help and still orders him around: -1, The Waldorfs come around and let him hang with them: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Dating Vanessa is already lowering his stock: -1
Total: 1
Season to Date: -28
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
WTF: She is supposedly in Vermont. OK, now the writer don't even want to find plausible reasons not to have her in an episode: -5
Total: -5
Season to Date: -36
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Fashion Points: Wearing the hide of the very rare and very ugly Shiny Black Crocodile: -1, Everything about her wedding outfit—length, cut, color—is appropriate. A first!: +2
Money: Why is she still freeloading off the Waldorfs? Get your own apartment!: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Lying to Nate to hang with Carter: +1, Even when pretending to tell Nate the truth, she's still lying to him: +2, Carter was only helping her to get in her pants: -1
Social Schemes: Uses Carter to get what she needs and then kicks him out of the limo: +2, In Queens: +2
WTF: Goes to find her father and instead finds her mother: (we're withholding points until we see how this plays out)
Total: 5
Season to Date: -42
Power Position: Up