The world li'l-est Scientologist celebrates a birthday. Charlie Sheen and Brooke Meuller both lose important things. Oprah has a new dad. Danny Glover gets arrested. Sunday's gossip roundup is too old for this shit.

  • Break out the E-meters! Future Sea Org General Suri Cruise celebrates her fourth year on Teegeeack today. [TMZ; People]
  • Famous tall person Shaquille O'Neal ordered his six-year-old son to threaten estranged wife Shaunie O'Neal's new boyfriend. "Say it now!" Shaq told his son, presumably via Twitter, his preferred mode of communication. "My daddy is going to kill you!" Come on, Shaq: If you want something done right, do it yourself. [TMZ]
  • An 84-year-old veteran in Mississippi claims to be Oprah's biological father. "She's taken after her daddy," he told the Post. "I was a handsome man growing up at that time." Oprah was too busy terrorizing Gawker readers to comment. [NYP]
  • Danny Glover was arrested in Maryland on Saturday! But not for anything good like drunk driving or soliciting hookers, just for protesting unfair work conditions at food service company Sodexo. Come on, Danny, aren't you... wait for it... wait for it... too old for this shit? [PopEater]
  • Despite being all smiles on The Early Show on Friday, George Lopez is rumored to be unhappy about Conan moving to his old time slot. Moving from an audience of six to an audience of three might not seem like a lot, but it's a 50 percent drop. [P6]
  • What makes me think this is all a set-up for a Bravo reality show? Randy Quaid and wife are back on the lam after skipping two court dates for felony charges. The judge has ordered a nationwide no-bail warrant, so if you don't have Sunday plans you might consider assembling a Randy and Evi Quaid bounty hunt. [People]
  • Recently-mustachioed Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller both emerged this weekend missing important things. Brooke went out on the town on Friday without her wedding ring, while Charlie emerged from his house on Saturday without hair. On his head. [Radar; TMZ]
  • Taylor Swift: Really good at bowling. At least, according to Glee's Cory Monteith, who got his ass kicked by Swift at the lanes last week. But maybe he just sucks. [People]
  • How has Pam Anderson stayed in Dancing with the Stars so long? A concerted ballot-stuffing effort by Tommy Lee, who assembles an army of children at her house every week to vote. [P6]
  • We'll file Larry King's ex-wives' regular get-togethers under the category "Things that Would Be More Interesting to Watch than Larry King Live" [NYDN]
  • Uh oh! One televisual reality personage indicated hostility toward another televisual reality persona, via the internet! Devorah Rose, surprise surprise, had mean things to say about Tinsley Mortimer, such as, "You really have the morals, willpower and hunger for camera time of a drunken co-ed flashing a 'Girls Gone Wild' camera." Imagine how you would explain this story, including the "Girls Gone Wild" reference, to Thomas Jefferson! [P6]