It is a truth universally acknowledged that a cult in possession of celebrities is in want of a sex scandal. That's why Scientologists have orgies and the original celebrity cult*—Catholicism—has, well, all of this. Now Kabbalah's joining in.

The cult of famed single-names such as Madonna, Demi, Ashton, and Gwyneth has been rocked by a nefarious "enemy" telling "sex lies" that Karen Berg—wife of Kabbalah leader Rabbi Philip "The Rav" Berg—is secretly schtupping the sect's chief celebrity wrangler, Moshe "Muki" Oppenheimer. (Compulsive nicknaming must be how Kabbalah attracted reinvention-addict Madonna.) Page Six quotes a "source" at length:

"It is true that Muki has accompanied Karen on trips and to events during Rabbi Berg's illness. The Rav's condition has been kept very secret, and for a while he was confined to bed, but has since made a good recovery.

"Somebody considered an enemy of Kabbalah has been spreading a rumor that Karen and Muki are having an affair, which is not only untrue, but a scandal that could destroy the Kabbalah organization.

"The enemy is also claiming that Karen and Philip's sons, Yehuda and Michael Berg, who are co-directors of the Kabbalah Centre, confronted her about the affair — but this is also totally untrue," our insider continued.

"The perpetrator of these rumors is out for blood because his 21-year-old daughter has become deeply involved in Kabbalah and wants to devote herself full time to the religion after an expensive college education."

Page Six writes off the sordid tale as the "false" imaginings of a "disgruntled ex-member." Too bad, because a sex scandal is all Kabbalah needs to propel itself back to A-1 Hollywood cult and America's Next Top Organization for Celebrity Mind Control. Until you have a sex scandal, you're nobody. Show business is brutal like that. [P6, image of Madonna exiting the Beverly Hills Kabbalah Center via Splash]

* Original members of the original celebrity cult: Charlemagne, Joan of Arc, all French nobility, various European kings, queens, and knights.