Ariana Grande, the diminutive pop star plagued by demons, recently opened up about leaving the Catholic Church for Kabbalah. "When my brother [Frankie J. Grande] was told that God didn't love him I was like, 'OK, that's not cool,'" she told the Sunday Telegraph. Frankie is an openly gay ex-Big Brother contestant.

The Los Angeles Times has more details on the previously reported IRS criminal investigation into the Kabbalah Centre and Spirituality for Kids, a charity co-founded by celebrity Kabbalist Madonna.

Ancient pop singer and spiritualist Madonna has long been associated with Kabbalah, a mystical, Jewishy sect. But she recently had a falling out with Kabbalah's leaders after the whole Malawi school debacle, so she's been on the hunt for something new. And it looks like she's found it: Opus Dei!

Roger Friedman is reporting that the Kabbalah Centre and Raising Malawi—a charity Madonna co-founded with Kabbalah guru Michael Berg—are under investigation by the IRS. According to Friedman, at least two people have been called before a grand jury to answer questions about both organizations.

Kabbalah leader Philip Berg had a birthday party in Tel Aviv, and someone put video of it on YouTube. Watch "the Rav" and his followers get jiggy to a Madonna song about blowjobs and other Kabbalah-approved tunes.

New York Governor David Paterson, desperate for good luck, is now wearing the red string bracelet common among the celebrity enthusiasts of the mystical Jewish tradition of kabbalah. He is, characteristically, wearing it on the wrong wrist. [NYDN]

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a cult in possession of celebrities is in want of a sex scandal. That's why Scientologists have orgies and the original celebrity cult*—Catholicism—has, well, all of this. Now Kabbalah's joining in.

Madonna dropped $32.5 million on a townhouse on the Upper East Side a few months ago. But don't expect to see her giving out spare change to panhandlers in the neighborhood. Despite the fact she made about a gazillion dollars last year (give or take), Madge only gave away $459,000 to charity and almost all of it went to the Kabbalah Centre, which means she didn't give any money to charity at all, really.

Fallen publicist Ali Wise is tweeting again. But now things have taken a turn for the worse. Judging by her latest message, she seems to be taking spiritual guidance from Rabbi Yehuda Berg, the director of the cult known as the Kabbalah Centre. But, hey, you never know. Maybe she'll get lucky and her $26 investment will put an end to those "unfriendly stares and unkind glances" she's been getting. It's worth a shot! [Twitter]

Donna Karan no longer controls the company that bears her name: LVMH purchased the company in 2001 for $643 million, leaving her with an estimated $400 million fortune. She remains the company's creative director, of course, but she also keeps busy with philanthropic work. Last year the Queens-born designer shelled out $2.7 to various causes, including the $1 million to the Spirituality for Kids Foundation, which teaches Kabbalah to kids in schools. (Naturally, Madonna's also a big donor.) A fan of all sorts of new-age fads (she's expressed her fondness for "therapeutic screaming" and past life regressions in the past), Karan also has a soft spot for Tibet. Her Karan Weiss Foundation (which reflects the name of her late husband) contributed $200,000 to The Norbulingka Institute, which is dedicated to preserving Tibetan culture, and $20,000 to the International Tibetan Medical Association. The entire list—including her token $1,000 contribution to Bill Clinton's Global Initiative and the $59,000 she gave to pal Russell Simmons' foundation—after the jump.

• Could it be that Madonna is considering parting ways with Kabbalah? The Independent, which is slightly more respectable than the 3 AM Girls, reports that Madge is said to be "wearying" of the red string and its effect on her family and her wallet. But can she bear to abandon the countless retard celebs who have followed her example? [AFP]
• AdAge's Media Guy, His Crankiness Simon Dumenco, celebrates the one-year anniversary of his column with one of the more sincere pieces we've seen out of him (it looks great on him!). He's learned a few things in the past year, mostly that no one likes Bonnie Fuller or James Truman and that blogs make mainstream media lazy. Consider it etched in stone. [AdAge]
• If you're footing the bill for Fido to get to doggy day care via the Pet Taxi, then why the hell do you even have a dog? Will you pay someone to pet the poor thing for you, too? [BW]
• Lindsay Lohan (or so we assume) returns to the loving, blind vice arms of Ted Casablanca's column, in which we learn that true security guards cut your lines for you. [E!]
• The most unintentionally hilarious picture of Hillary Duff. [Goldenfiddle]
• Time Out New York celebrates summer with the next level in drinking games: an eight week boozy scavenger hunt across 24 different venues. Our drinking game piggybacks on this: take a shot every time a participant in the TONY game gets their stomach pumped. [Fishbowl NY]

In the spectrum of embarrassing public celebrity moments, nothing comes close to the perennial classic Famous Person Falling Down. Failing accidental injury, however, you can never go wrong with the nearly as satisyfing Celebrity Mistakenly Overestimating Their Own Importance. The following Ashton Kutcher sighting sent in by a Defamer operative is about as perfect a specimen of the latter category as could possibly exist:

• Kate Moss will not be charged with possession stemming from her September '05 cover shoot with the UK's Daily Mirror. Apparently something about a lack of evidence or being able to definitively prove she was bumping rails of blow and not, say, powdered sugar. You know how those skinny models love their powdered sugar! [Guardian]
• Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams didn't mean to snub Howard Stern at Nobu last week; they were just having "a very deep conversation about something in our personal life," says Ledger. Go ahead and read into that all you want, but they were likely just whining about Brooklyn. [Page Six]
• MSNBC host Keith Olbermann apologizes for telling a viewer to go fuck his mother. That was meant for Rita Cosby. [Lowdown]
• In a remarkable display of maturity, Lindsay Lohan turns down a round of shots, noting that she's underage. She still stayed out until 7 AM — thankfully, there's no age restrictions on marching powder. [R&M (bottom of page)]
• And after all that partying, Lohan still has the energy to be Madonna's new BFF. Though admittedly the starlet's not thrilled about getting Britney Spears' sloppy seconds. [Scoop]
• Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood has headed off to rehab. How are these guys even alive enough to be addicts? Were they all given new livers at some point in the mid-90s? [Fox411 (2nd item)]
• First daughter Barbara Bush uses Craigslist for job-hunting. Suddenly, we soften. Just a little. [Page Six]

The Scoop delves deeper into the mystery of Britney Spears' abrupt distentanglement from Kabbalah's red, stringy web of trendwhore spirituality, suggesting the fake religion may have nudged the donation basket her way one time too many:

Us Weekly's blog points us to a brief, cryptic pronouncement buried deep in the "Love B: stream of consciousness" section of Britney Spears' official website. (Like a windswept tumbleweed rolling through the ghost town of her mind, it's the first such update in almost a year.) In a ten-word statement annulling everything we thought we held true about Spear's unwavering commitment to fake spirituality, the butterfingered fertility goddess has renounced her allegiance to that most sacrosanct of Judaism-sprinkled celebrity sects, Kabbalah.

• Pill-popping kiddie porn freaks need love too: Charlie Sheen has been using MillionaireMatch.com to meet women online. His profile says he's a talent agent, ensuring that he meets only the most desperate young things. [Gatecrasher]
• Britney Spears announces that she's done with Kabbalah; on her website, she writes, "My baby is my religion." As if Sean Preston didn't have enough problems. [Us Weekly]
• New York mag says Tina Brown's name has been dropped as a possible successor to Time managing editor Jim Kelly, but Lloyd Grove hears that New York editor Adam Moss is a more likely choice. Fuck it: we hear Lloyd Grove is in the running. [Lowdown]
• For $56K, you can enjoy a downward dog with Gwyneth Paltrow, which is probably more exciting than just going doggy. [Page Six]
• With young American soldiers dying in Iraq, what better time for Hollywood to start working on movies about the war? The reality of it all makes the drama feel more "real," you know? [R&M]
• Good Morning America producer John Green is back after a month's suspension; he's tan, 15 pounds lighter, and promises never to use the phrase "Jew guilt" ever again. [Page Six]

• Oh, Lindsay Lohan. Not content with a mere nipslip, the actress goes for a full-on cheekslip at the Kids' Choice Awards. Chances are, kids didn't choose to see celebrity buttflap. [IDon'tLikeYou]
• Tom Cruise conveniently pushes back his forthcoming marriage to Katie Holmes, delaying the nuptials until after the baby is born and Mission Impossible 3 premieres and hell freezes over. [AP]
• Madonna is reportedly looking for a home in Safed, Israel, where Kabbalah was born and the bathtubs run with blessed water. [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Rosie O'Donnell knows that Star Jones poops soup. Yeah, you heard her right. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• After realizing nobody really cares to see her naked or listen to her speak about Israel, verbally incontinent actress Sharon Stone decides to hit the recording studio. [Page Six]
• Spiderman star Tobey Maguire looks to buy in the West Village — now that he's supposedly lost the weight, Manhattan will greet him with open arms. [Lowdown (3rd to last)]
• Thanks to your parents and other out-of-town guests, Tavern on the Green is the highest-grossing restaurant in the country. [Page Six]
• A crazed "fan" confronts Howard Stern and girlfriend Beth Ostrovsky — even more frighteningly, we're pretty sure the fan did not use Gawker Stalker to find the couple. [NYDN]

• Publisher Jann Wenner ties pregnant Us Weekly editor Janice Min to her chair; she'll be staying there through the duration of her labor. No demerol when there are deadlines to be met! [Page Six]
• O.C. starlet deems Paris Hilton a "silly bitch." Finally one of these young Hollywood types gets something right. [Scoop]
• Hugh Grant fights off the paparazzi, one blurry cameraphone pic at a time. [R&M]
• The illustrator for Madonna's children's book The English Roses, Jeffrey Fulvimari, is attacked in Chelsea. There's a Kabbalah joke in here somewhere, but we haven't the will to find it. [Lowdown]
• Kid Rock defends his honor by suing the company trying to distribute his sex tape. Considering Scott Stapp is the co-star, we're thinking the suit is for defamation of character. [Detroit Wonk]
• Lucyna Turyk-Wawrynowicz, the Polish housekeeper who stole from Robert De Niro and Candice Bergen, gets sentenced to three years in jail. Upon her release, she will only be allowed to work for D-List celebrities. [IMDb]

As our beloved little princesses swirled and twirled on Olympic ice last night, we couldn't help but wonder:

Kabbalah Energy Drink© is now available at a shitty Duane Reade near you! Ward off the evil eye and serve it mixed with vodka, "just how Madonna likes it."