Touched Anything? Get an H.I.V. Test.

Crazy ladies fear AIDS! Vuvuzela dangers! Tuberculosis rampant! Cell phone radiation! Skinny blood! Skinny sex! Sexy diets! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while smearing ourselves with disinfectant!

• If you want to work as a maid these days, you have to get an HIV test. At least if you want to work for a rich lady who "had even submitted to a test herself after a recent encounter with a toilet that seemed unclean."
• You thought vuvuzelas were just annoying? Bullshit, they "can cause hearing loss and possibly spread colds, the flu and other infectious diseases." If you watched the World Cup, you better get an HIV test.
• Tuberculosis is everywhere, also! The NYC Board of Health passed new guidelines for monitoring TB patients, because if they just start running around willy-nilly, woo boy.
• What are those crrrrrrrraazzzyyyyyy San Fran-cisco hippies doing now that they've banned plastic bags? They're passing a law "to require all retailers to display the amount of radiation each [cell] phone emits." Wacky hippies, always demanding to know how much they're being irradiated! See you on the moon, hippies!
• Okay, you're in shape. But is your bloodstream in shape? Fattie fattie blood fat, with the fat blood.
• "Obesity takes a toll on sexual health." Ha, we'll just leave that one alone, that's what she said.
• Here is some website that the WaPo recommends to help you lose weight. Or, just think of your sexual health.

[Pic: Shutterstock]