This is what happens in New York City when the heat gets above 95 degrees: no edits have been made. This is just unrestrained, unadulterated news.

Now for the play-by-play.

Perhaps the most amazing part about all of this is that this is a news segment about an unnamed technology that runs on unnamed gadgets with absolutely zero sources. That is, there is a technology coming and it will fix all of your texting problems, no matter what you're texting with: iPads, iPhones, old phones, new phones, bat phones, ozones.

But of course, Lady-who's-not-Gretchen has to botch the whole beautiful set-up. Everything's going along smoothly, everyone's ad-libbing their favorite unnamed technology story and then Lady-who's-not-Gretchen drops a "By the way that technology never works" and delves into stories about her husband's underwhelming ineptitude and inability to express himself effectively. So now our story about "the best new technology you've never heard of" has swiftly upgraded into "the best new technology you've never heard of that is so good it hasn't even been released yet and it already doesn't work." Realistically, that's an even better track record than the iPhone 4—it took people at least two days to start complaining about how terrible the reception is.

And then—and what else can happen here, honestly—discussion shifts to New York. Guy-who's-not-Brian has the most amazing story you've ever heard about why he's excited this technology is coming to his iPad. If anybody should be texting and driving, it's obviously Guy-who's-not-Brian. And if you thought that was where the story was going to end, you were as mistaken as jeans in Central Park when it's above 95 degrees. And furthermore, Guy-who's-not-Brian is sick and tired of all you people who keep bumping into him while he's texting and walking. This is America, we should be able to text and walk, if not develop unwarranted martyr complexes for being able to text and walk at the same time. It's our God-given right.

And to cap it all off, Jesus is on Google maps. Holy Hell, it was a good day for America.