The only debate in New York's gubernatorial race happens tonight! Will Carl Paladino finally just kick Andrew Cuomo in the balls before fleeing the country? Yes. But what about the other five candidates who'll be participating? Prepare for madness.

Carl Paladino is going to look like a stodgy old insider hack relative to the competition. Not that the other candidates will all be insane simply because they can't get on a major party's ballot. But maybe a couple of them will be? Aside from the usual also-rans from the Green and Libertarian parties, we have some newer flavors this year:

Also in the 90-minute debate are Charles Barron of the Freedom Party; Kristin Davis, the former "Manhattan madam," of the Anti-Prohibition Party; Howie Hawkins of the Green Party; Jimmy McMillan of the Rent is 2 Damn High Party; and Warren Redlich of the Libertarian Party.

So, Kristin Davis. She claims to have supplied prostitutes to Eliot Spitzer when he was having sex with prostitutes all the time. She went to jail. And for some reason, her stunt campaign still exists.

What about the "Rent is 2 Damn High Party" guy?

McMillan has run for office before, raising attention about New York City's diminishing middle class, who have been driven away by housing costs.

What a psychopath!

Anyway, spend the next hour or two writing your own twisted prediction for this melee. It will have a 100% chance of happening, in either this or an equally hellish parallel dimension. Cuomo's plan is just to smile and avoid saying anything stupid or engaging with anyone, really. Although he also doesn't want to look like an asshole who thinks he's better than everyone. Actually, who cares what his strategy is? He's leading by 35 percentage points. He could probably kick up to three children in the face and still coast to a ~20-point margin on election day.

New Yorkers can watch the fun starting at 7 p.m. on NY1 tonight. Those of us who don't live in New York can watch it on... well, shit. Maybe CSPAN or CNN? We're trying to figure that out. Let us know if you know, k?

Update: CSPAN said it will "try" to show the full thing later. (They had been showing part of it.) They're playing a West Virginia Senate debate now instead. There's some guy from the Constitution party who cannot speak an English-language sentence. ("We need... civics... civics. Lessons. Constitution. Uhh.") It's pretty funny, but also sad? Anyway, it's a shame that the whole country couldn't watch this NY-Gov debate live. A whole 4,000 or so out-of-staters would've watched it, probably!