Five models. Four go-see appointments. And one helluva boring episode. Here's how it all went down.

With the final five in place, the girls were tasked with performing that ever-important ANTM rite of passage, go-sees. The way Tyra would have us believe it, the go-see episode is where we see just who might make it in the modeling world for real. What it really does is give us a chance to laugh at how dumb Americans are when it comes to finding their way around foreign cities and this year's crop really did anything but disappoint. Each girl was handed a map with four potential castings, three with photographers and casting agents and one with the famed house of... wait for it... Versace.

That's right. Versace.

Now, when they announced this I may or may not have piddled myself in excitement. One, it's Versace. And two, in my mind I'm thinking if Donatella will make it to SNL she'll make it to ANTM, especially if they're in Italy. But no, we just got some bald dude whose name I can't even remember. Franco something, maybe. Or Giacomo something. Anyway, he wasn't Donatella. He wasn't even Maya Rudolph! But I guess this shouldn't surprise us. Last time Top Model came to Italy when Whitney took the crown, Versace played host for the final two runway showdown but no actual Versace was in sight.

But enough about Versace. I bet you're thinking to yourself, "Adrian, weren't there three other castings you can talk about?" Well, you'd think so. But none of the girls made it to any of them save for Chelsey who made it to a whopping two—pretty much sealing the win for her. Not only were all the girls completely lost in Milan, but none of them could figure out the subway—again, save for Chelsey. Adding insult to injury, not a single one booked the famed house that Gianni built except for Ann who was so late returning to IMG's Milan headquarters that she was disqualified so it didn't even count. So, like I said, Chelsey was the victor and she won a prize. Tell us about it, Chris!

[There was a video here]

So yeah, that bitch won a Versace jacket. And what did Chris get? A one-way ticket home at the end of the episode. I could tell you all about that cockamamie statue photo shoot on Lake Como they had before elimination but it was dull and repetitive. Basically, everyone was bad except Kayla who finally overcame her childhood trauma and now has the ability to sex it up on camera with male models. As for the others, here's a basic rundown of the judges comments. Jane is a robot. Chelsey needs to emote more or something stupid like that. Ann needs to be better at real life so that they can justify her winning the title at the end of the cycle. And Chris is too commercial and should probably get her own sitcom instead of a modeling contract.

[There was a video here]

And that is why Everybody Loves Chris.