Kanye West interviewed Rihanna for Interview magazine, and the result was the equivalent of a Jack Russell terrier burying its face in your crotch and humping.

The most telling moments in celebrity journalism are when the professionals step away, and we get to watch famous people interacting in the wild. This is why Interview's policy of having celebrities interview other celebrities—then transcribing the ensuing vainglorious gurgling—is both thrilling and awful. Here is Kanye barely concealing his boner for Rihanna:

WEST: How does it feel to know that you could have any man in the world? Or woman. How does it feel to know that you can turn straight women gay?

RIHANNA: Is that a real question?

WEST: Yeah.

RIHANNA: Well… Thank you. I don't know how to feel about that. [laughs] I guess that's flattering.

Abridged version: "You are so awesome machine unstoppable love magic please have sex with me," Kanye West sexted. "Don't touch me," Rihanna replied.

WEST: Were you the coolest kid in high school?

RIHANNA: I didn't get along with people very well. I got along with guys, but I hated the girls and the teachers. So I kind of just...

WEST: Is that where you got your swag?

RIHANNA: Yeah.

Abridged version: "You are so cool sunshine boobies epic hot amazing please sit by me at lunch," Kanye West drooled through diamond teeth. "I know, right? Now go tweet about my album and make it go platinum," Rihanna replied. [Interview]

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